be happy

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

-Jonathan Safran Foer

Know This

My dear Mr. husband,

I wish I could tell you I am going to be the perfect wife. I wish I could tell you that we will laugh always and never cry or want for more. But that wouldn't be real. I'm scared. You should know that too. It used to be that the thought of marriage made me smile and was something I thought about every day. But now. Well, now the thought of marriage makes me squirm a little. I'm scared of falling so hard, expecting your loving arms to catch me, but hitting the ground instead, shattering into a million pieces. That you'll assure me of your love and commitment, but that, for whatever reason (of which I will always blame myself), you leave. You don't know the mess that would be left of me if that were to happen.

But I'd like to think that I'll have the faith in you and in our love that those thoughts won't need to be addressed. I'm going to love you so strongly that without you, my life will seem empty. Somedays I might not want to leave the house. I'll just want to stay home with you, doing whatever we want, as long as we're together. Of course there'll be times when I'll want you as far away from me as possible, but I hope those won't last long.

When things get bad, and trust me, they will, I'm going to want you there, to hold my hand, to run your fingers up and down my back to calm me down. After a bad conversation with my parents, I'm going to want you standing there, so you can hold me until the tears stop.

I'm difficult. But I'm worth it. I promise. I will make our life together the happiest you'll ever know. I'll be worth every fight. Every tear. Every slammed door. I'll be worth it. Because I am worth it. And if you don't know that, then you aren't my husband. And I'm not going to marry you.

love.

why i love clothes

"The most beautiful clothes that can dress a woman are the arms of the man she loves. But for those who haven't had the fortune of finding this happiness, I am there.”
-Yves Saint Laurent (YSL)

when sorry isn't enough...

...what else is there?

what else can you say to make it all better?

I'm sorry. I wish it was enough.

in a rush

I don't want to wait any longer. I feel so impatient lately. I just want things to start happening. I know I have to do the work, but, sometimes I feel like I've done enough work. I know how good I am. I'm good enough to get everything I want. I just want it now. I hate waiting. I hate wondering. I'm done. Just give me what I want. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I know that that's just how life is. But I would just like to put life on hold for a while. To put it aside so that I can regroup. Get things in order. Get what I want. Vacations make me think too much. It scares me to think so much. Because I always realize how unhappy I really am. Well, not unhappy really. Because I'm not unhappy. More just, I realize what I don't have. What I want but what I can't seem to reach. I guess I just need to suck it up and get moving. Get working on my life. So that I really can get what I want. Because I know life won't just happen. I have to make it happen. But for these few minutes, I would just like to pretend. Pretend that life can be everything I want it to be.

can't take it

I've never felt so relieved and so hurt at the same time. I don't know which emotion to focus on. The relief mostly. that things are finally put to rest. Finally taken care of. I didn't choose the outcome. It's one I never would have chosen. One that broke my heart. But something had to happen. And so I'll take whatever outcome is necessary to make things get better. Because being stuck in a state of question. of confusion and frustration. It's been driving me crazy. this inner turmoil. It's not as bad as I remember. But the relief is the same. It's funny how two very different situations can have the same feelings. Letting go definitely feels the same. It hurts. I guess it's not really letting go this time though. This time it's watching them let go. I don't know which is worse. I hope against hope that they don't really let go. That they come back. maybe I shouldn't be that forgiving. But someone so close deserves as many chances as they need.

I tried to do the right thing. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. That was my choice. But I can't choose for everyone. Just like they can't choose for me. All the many times I've tried to control other people. Make them choose what I want. But never succeeding. Now I know what it really feels like. And I couldn't stand for it. Not anymore. I can't try to make everyone happy anymore. It's too hard. I lose myself trying to please everyone. It's not worth it to me anymore. to lose myself. I can make my own choices. Not everyone has to agree. It hurts. To think that someone chose what I so desperately didn't want them to choose.

But. I'm relieved the point was reached. I'm glad I reached it. And I'm proud of myself for that.

a moment

i was sitting in class today, when it came. a brief passing of the only evidence of you that could ever find me: your smell.

immediately tears tried to escape. not because of sadness. but because that is how my body remembers to react to you.

in that very short moment, a million feelings. a million images. filled my mind. i was suspended. i couldn't breathe. couldn't concentrate. it was the perfect summation of "us". if only that was all i had to experience.

it happened so suddenly, i barely had time to catch myself. for as soon as you were there, you were gone. and oh how grateful i was that you were.

for everything about you suffocates me.

for cuteness

This website is pretty awesome: mylifeisaverage.com. For example:

"Today, I was driving behind my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls over. I do the same and am utterly bewildered as he runs out of his car and pulls me out of mine. He then grabs my hand and we take off running.. and jumping into a giant pile of leaves he saw on the side of the road. I do believe I will be keeping him around."

for cuteness.

Missing Connection (continued)

I saw you the other day. From a distance. You looked so happy. Not fake happy, but real happy. The kind I always wished for you. The kind you deserve. I hope it lasts. I'm so glad you've found your place in life. Even though it's not with me. Maybe especially because it's not with me. Yes it hurts sometimes to think of you being so happy with someone else. But mostly. Well, mostly I couldn't care less what you're doing now. Because I've found my own happiness. I don't dream of you anymore. Never actually.

I guess, for some last parting words. I would like to thank you. Thank you for letting me obsess over you for so long. It was so very painful. But that pain has turned into something beautiful. And without it. Without that experience. That process. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now. And I don't think I could trade that for anything.

I think you'll always hold a small place in my heart. Only there to remind me of the person I've become. And the role you had in getting me there.

So, again, thank you. Thank you. And goodbye.

sad eyes

mr. husband,

when i'm having a bad day, here are some pointers:

• first and foremost, remind me how much you love me (if love is all we need, maybe i can make it through this)
• you might think that you should say "all the right things", but all i really need is for you to tell me that everything will work out. that somehow, it will all be ok. that's all i need to hear.
• a big hug. for as long as necessary. if i cry, let me.
• buy me some chocolate. or ice cream. or both. and. just let me cuddle up to you on the couch and watch tv for an indefinite amount of time. i will want to forget everything for a while.
• i know it's selfish, but don't talk to me about your day. as much as i love you, i'm not going going to care. let me get past the sulking stage, then i will want to hear about all the wonderful things you want to tell me :)
• if you buy me some pizza or take me out to dinner, i'll cheer up much quicker. the way to my happiness is definitely through food.
• listen. i know i'll say a lot of outrageous things. i'll be irrational. you don't have to respond, just be there to listen. you can think about football if you must (just don't let me know about it).

and also,

thank you

love

back to normal

Isn't is so nice when things get back to some semblance of happiness?
Sometimes, even with life swirling around you, someone comes back
And gives you the chance to smile
It makes all the difference in the world.

peace

Last night as I lay in bed, a million things buzzed through my mind.

So, I said a little prayer.

Immediately my mind was cleared. And I fell asleep peacefully.

I forgot what that was like.

escape

i want to run. as fast as i can. away from here. from everything i know. everything i love. everything i fear. especially from the fear. the pain. the heartache. i want to run away. forget everything. even if it means runnning from love. from happiness. there is too much taint in the good things. the two have melded too closely together. it's time to start over. start someplace where the two are distiguishable.

i'll return. after my heart has settled.

but now. now i want to escape. under the covers. in another bed. in another city. in another place entirely. where no one can make me feel anything. numb. i want to be numb while i escape. I want to run from the hard stuff. the stuff that makes me cry. that makes me question everything i know.

i want to run to happiness. into security. run into arms that will hold me. forever. where i can nuzzle up and stay for as long as i want. that reality has been slowly fading from my mind. how can i hope for something i have yet to deem possible?

Good Morning World

Do you ever have days when things are just, good?

Today is going to be one of those days.

I can feel it.

facing life

I feel so overwhelmed right now. mostly just in this moment. Like everything is trying to break me. one or two wrong turns are manageable, but too many wrong turns lead to utter destruction. Too many flashbacks. Too many lists. Too many feelings. Too many distractions. Too many thoughts. definitely too many thoughts. sometimes i wish my mind would just stop. stop bringing up everything that makes me sad. even if it means that i'm prolonging the inevitable. i can face life later. just not this moment.

Sometimes when things get like this, I dwell on the past. because it's better than the present. but. what about the future? that's where my mind should be. on what the future holds. but that's the hard part. not knowing what the future holds. so it's easier to look backwards. how things were. what things could be like if maybe, just maybe, you had been good enough to be a part of that future.

These are foolish thoughts, I know. I don't want the past. but I don't really want the present either. and in this moment. i can't get it out of my head. its moments like this when I wish time would speed up. that I could be in the future. have this part behind me. but then, that's the thing about life. you can't speed it up - or slow it down.

You just have to face it as it comes. That's the only way to make it through alive.

you'll thank me later....i hope

Mr. Husband,

Has anyone ever complained to you about guys? Well, I have some complaints, and I'm only making you aware of them so that you can avoid them when you're, you know, sweeping me off my feet.

Why is it so hard for guys to stay consistent? I mean really. Don't be attentive one minute and then aloof the next. It's extremely frustrating. And it doesn't make the girl feel too great about herself. I know you guys are busy with you video games and man bonding, but we girls are pretty dang busy ourselves - we actually have conversations that last longer than 15 minutes. But somehow, we still find the time to think about you. Still find the time to text and call you. The least you could do is show us the same courtesy. Instead of leaving us hanging. I know you have it in your nature to not want to commit (which is a total over-generalization, i know), but do you have idea what it does to a girl? She thinks she can trust you, rely on you for some happiness in her day, and then you let her down.

Sorry this is so harsh, but I've seen too many deserving girls, myself included, get treated like an afterthought. And I've seen enough.

Please don't do these things to me. I know you're not perfect. And of course you're allowed to make mistakes. But if you could just try your hardest not to, I would greatly appreciate it. Oh and I'll also love you forever, if that's any incentive.

love.

that's my kind of camping

Mr. Husband,

can we go camping in our house? or apartment, as i'm sure will actually be the case. and can we make camp food and eat it in our cute little tent - that you'll somehow convince me to buy, even though i'll insist that we're not going to ever go camping (this is a time when i will admit that you were right). and we can roast marshmallows on our stove. and sleep in the tent in our pjs and sleeping bags. it will be so much fun. oh man i can't wait. hurry up and find me so we can have all this fun together.

love.

To you, mr. husband

I want to write about love. a love so great it defies fear.

but. that kind of love doesn't exist. life isn't perfect, which means that love isn't perfect. but that's the thing about girls and love. we're waiting. holding out. for that love that truly does conquer all. because maybe. just maybe. it's out there. ready to surprise us and prove us wrong.

So, instead of writing about a seemingly impossible love, I want to write about the love that I'm going to have. one day. To the love of a person I'm going to have someday. What I want. What I hope for. So this one's to you, a series dedicated to you, whoever you are, mr. husband...

to know you

The day I met you, was the day my eyes were open. Open to a new world. A new way of life. Before you. Life was good. But now. Now life is worth living. You've been here all along really. But I haven't formally introduce myself, at least not for a long time. And even then, I felt like I pushed you to the side too soon after. And for that I am sincerely sorry. I wish I could say that now was a time I could "start over" with you. But, I just can't do that yet. I wish I could. Mostly because I know that I should. Who wouldn't want to be close to someone who saves their life every single day? And without any recognition. I've never felt so undeserving yet in so much need. You would think with those two opposing notions, I would feel confused. But I don't. I never feel confused when it comes to you. There aren't even two answers. There's one answer. One. And I know it.

I feel like the girl in the back of the class who knows the answer to the hardest question, and is so excited to give that answer that her hand is flailing about above her. "pick me! pick me!" But she isn't chosen to answer. Because there are so many others in front her with their hands raised. So many others that are more competent, more worthy, to answer such an important question. And so she sits. Depleted. Until she realizes that the teacher has called on not one person, but every person. She's going down the rows, letting everyone have their turn. And then it's my turn. I was so eager to answer before. But now. After everyone else's response. I don't feel that mine matches theirs. So I stay quiet for a bit. Wondering what to do. Do I stand up and shout MY answer? Or do I stay just as I am. Because, frankly, I've grown accustomed to my life in the back of the class. Not having to speak. Only thinking. Is thinking the right answer the same as speaking it?

But. That's the thing. No matter any current comforts, I DO know the right answer. And I do WANT to answer. I could never ever deny that. Maybe it's a desire that has gone unnoticed for too long. But the desire is still there. Ready to burst at the seems. Just waiting, ever ready, to rise to the surface and proclaim:
"I know"

Moving Forward

Do you feel like your life is moving forward?

So often I find life is just, standing still. staying the same. Or, maybe worse, going a million miles a minute - you can't really account for progress if you're in the midst of a tornado.

Recently life has been moving so fast that I can't breathe. I don't know if I'm happy or sad or mad because I don't have time to process those emotions. I just. am. I'm doing whatever it takes just to keep myself afloat. The constant thought in my mind that I'm forgetting something, that some vital part is going to slip through my fingers. Bringing each thing I've so carefully crafted and balanced to come crashing down.

I love being busy. I always forget. And right now especially. I'm doing things I love to do. I'm getting more and more excited for my future. But. It seems that every week is a new adventure, stretching my abilities to maintain some semblance of a life worth living.

Moving forward implies so many things. But for now. This is all I can grasp.

vulnerable

Cupid and Psyche by François Gérard

I think there's just something so tender about this painting. Tender and awkard really. I won't explain the whole story. Only the relevant parts. the parts that I like.

Cupid is kissing Psyche - their first kiss. only she can't see him - he's invisible to her. That's why she's not looking at him. It seems so bizarre. To be getting kissed and not being aware of it. I mean, it's a first kiss! I want her to be able to see. To know of this wonderful occasion. Of this tender exchange. I want her to feel the excitement.

But more than all of that. Just look at their poses. At her pose. It's so vulnerable. Just look at the drapery. They would paint drapery like this to heighten, not hide, women's nakedness. And to be naked is to be vulnerable. I mean, girls don't just take their clothes off in front of anyone (well, some girls do, and they're called hookers). And the way her arms are placed across her body. Like she's trying to protect herself. Attempting the impossible really. Because to love - to be loved - is to be vulnerable.

But he's there. To embrace her. To offer a tender kiss of comfort. Of love. He doesn't want to hurt her. Just love her. And the beauty is that all of this is going on, and she can't see it. But in her eyes. Look in her eyes. I feel like she knows on some level. Of what she is recieving. Because to me, she looks scared. Scared and vulnerable. Because she doesn't know what's going to happen. Not just with the kiss, but with everything. About what comes next.

I feel like her pose is every girl's pose. She is every girl. Scared. Vulnerable. In need of protection. Wanting to be loved but worried about getting hurt. I love Cupid's pose. So sure. He's everything she's not. He's confident. Not afraid. There with open arms. He's not every guy. But he's the guy every girl needs. She's scared, but behind that fear is willingness. and hope.

To fall in love is one thing. The rest becomes, well, complicated. But this moment. It's before the complication. It's the beginning.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

have you recieved a priesthood blessing recently? if not, you probably should. because, in case you forgot, they're

AMAZING

growing up i didn't really ever get blessings, because, well, circumstances just didn't really allow it. but now that i have home teachers and worthy guy friends and even more recently, a step-dad who is able and more than willing, i've realized how much i really love them.

because, to me, there is nothing more peaceful and loving than to get a blessing. i've never walked away from one feeling less than fulfilled. it never fails that something is said that i absolutely needed to hear. and usually it's when i'm getting a blessing for another reason. but Heavenly Father always slips in something else that He knows i need to hear. He's amazing like that.

not enough

how can you love someone. but not want to be with them? how can you say, "I love you". without wanting more?

sometimes love just isn't enough. sometimes you can love someone with all you have, but it doesn't change anything.

of course you could say, maybe the other person doesn't feel the same way. but what about when that isn't the case? what about when you both feel that love? maybe then it's not really love, but some mixture of comfort and lust and obsession.

but even so. how can you feel that way and not take action? how can you feel so close to someone. yet so far away. maybe it's fear. fear of the absolute. because in the end, love is absolute. loving someone isn't something we choose to do. it creeps its way into our souls. and taking responsibility for that love is taking a leap into the unknown.

so, sometimes it's easier to run. refuse to believe your heart. hide. and run. but why run from the possibility of love? of happiness? why not be with the one you love?

and why say the words if you don't mean it? if you don't want more?

maybe it's knowledge. that it just wouldn't work. it would be harmful to want more. because sometimes love just isn't enough. but you say it anyway.

"i love you"

because you want it to be enough.

Muddled

Have you ever done something that you knew you would regret? That you knew could change everything? Ruin what you want, what you know is good for you. But for some reason your mind checks out and you find yourself in the exact position you were trying to avoid.

I feel nauseous and I can't think straight. Everything is muddled. I'm scared. For my life. For my heart. For my sanity.

I'm scared that I'm becoming a person I don't know. That I'm going to make choices that I shouldn't make. That I want to make, but shouldn't. I'm being selfish. So very selfish. I always care so much about other people, how my decisions will effect them. Anything to avoid hurting them. Just make everyone happy. But I've faltered. I made the choice to forget about everyone else. Is this what it feels like to rebel? To do something without considering the consequences?

I'm sorry. I'm so so so very sorry. For letting you down. You don't even know that I've betrayed you. Betrayed your trust. Betrayed your idea of who I am. I told you I was strong. Stronger because of you. And I am. But I forgot. I forgot how weak I really am.

So weak it scares me.

Letting Go

I think I'm finally starting to let go of him. I think things are more and more starting to click out of place. To "unbutton" if you will. Until I hope someday soon I can remove it all together. The memory of him. The memory that has wrapped itself around a part of my heart like a web, taking it hostage. Whatever it is that has me holding on, its grasp is releasing. I can feel it. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm finally realizing what I really want. What I really want for my future. What love really means. How much time I'm wasting by trying to keep parts of my past in the present.

I'm finding better things to hold onto. A better person that is worth keeping memories with. Maybe he's too far away to be a reality, but he feels so close in my mind. But maybe someday, we can finally be in the same place, and we'll never have to let go. He'll have my whole heart and I'll have his. But for now, I'll just have to keep picking at the web around my heart until it releases completely and I can have it all to myself. Then I can give it all to the one who deserves it, instead of the sliver he holds now, all i could give.

I broke down when he left me. And I let him leave my life. But the place I let him occupy in my heart has lived on, hardening as if it was there to stay. No more. Now I'm breaking down the place he's held in my life, in my heart. Bit by bit the pieces are falling. It hurts, but a good hurt. The hurt of letting go. And because of it, I've found that there truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Little Burst

Do you ever get little bursts of happiness?

Sometimes there's a reason, like getting good news or talking to someone you like. But sometimes there is no reason.

Just sitting at my desk at work, writing an email, and - jolt - little burst of happiness for some unexplained reason. It's just, happiness. Like, yay for life. Everything's good, even if just for a moment, for it doesn't always last long.

That's why it's a burst.

Missing Connections

There's a place on craigslist.com where you can post about missing connections. write to random people you saw that made you turn your head. Like a guy sees an attractive girl on the subway everyday but has never spoken to her. So he writes on this site, expressing his interest. Some of it is pretty funny. Some of it is really sweet. But it got me thinking. And here's what I would write.

Dear missing connection,

I wish I could make you happy. I wish you could see what things could be like if we were together. It would be amazing. We could do great things. You don't see that, though, do you? I can see you're sad. You pretend not to be. You put on a pretty good front actually. You fool a lot of people. But not me. I can see right through that facade. I see the hurt inside. I see the fear. That you might actually find happiness after the misery you've experienced thus far. I see how you trick people into thinking you've let them in. I see how hard you strive to be the person you think you should be. It makes me sad. To see you like this. Because I see all you can be. In just a glance. It's almost funny to me that no one else can see it, not even you. But I can. I wish you could. I wish you could see all you can be. I wish you could want what I want for you. I wish I could tell you everything I'm thinking and all I think of you. I have so much to tell you. But I can't. I think, if only I could tell you. Everything would change. You would let me in. You would find that happiness you are searching for. And I could be there with you to discover it. To watch you find what you're looking for. But. That's the thing about my thoughts. They're not real.

But if, someday, you decide you would like to hear what I have to say. To finally be vulnerable enough to see what I see. To stop being so scared to let me in. Find me. Come find me. I'll be the one in the back. The one you've ignored all this time.

Sometimes You Leave

Sometimes I get so caught up in one thing. Be it a person, a goal, or even a moment in my life. I forget that I don't have to stay caught up in it. I can leave. I can put aside everything going on in my mind about the subject, and focus on something else. Something that gives me more hope and happiness. Sometimes I can't change things. Sometimes I get caught up in my future - about what will happen and when - and I can't change that. I can make decisions that lead me in certain directions, but I can't change the future. I have to wait until it happens.

And I certainly can't change people. That's a tough one. Because sometimes - well, a lot of times - I wish I could change people. Change what they're doing, what they want. But that just isn't possible. Influence is definitely possible, but not a guarantee.

I get so frustrated sometimes when things don't happen how I want. But. I know that I can leave. And sometimes that is the only thing I can do. Leave the dreariness and focus on the happiness. Walk away from that person. that thought. that dream. There are better things out there for me, and I want to find them.

can't let go

Have you ever had someone that you just couldn't let go of? No matter how hard you try, they still inherit some part of you.

I've tried so hard to let someone go. Well, I'll be honest. I haven't tried my hardest. I haven't done everything I could do. But that's because deep down I don't want to let him go. I know it's probably not healthy to hold on to someone who no longer cares to be in your life. But is it really that bad if I'm okay with that fact? I just like the memory of them lingering in my mind. Ok, it is that bad, maybe worse. Because that memory - all the memories - are holding me back. Holding me back from letting someone else in. This song, Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg, is exactly how I feel about it. "without lifting a finger you're holding me back" I just can't fully move on yet. I'm not stuck in the past, I'm not still hung up on him. I've moved on. I want other things, other people, in my life. And I've succeeded in that, and it makes me happy. But, there are certain things I just don't want to let go of yet. And I don't know when I'll be able to - maybe never. Maybe something needs to happen for me to fully sweep it from my mind.

I know the reality. I'm not living every day thinking about him; it's getting more and more rare that I do. I don't know why I want to keep him around. I like the memories. Well, the good ones. And it's not that I wish I was still with him. And if I ever do think that, reality thankfully creeps in and I remember all the reasons I shouldn't want such things. I guess it's the hopeless romantic still hovering around inside me. Wanting to believe in something I know isn't good for me, but still hoping that things could be different.

I know it doesn't make any sense. Not me, and certainly not to anyone else. To them, he is dirt; lower than that probably. But to me.....to me, he was everything. I would have done anything for him. And I still would. It makes me mad sometimes, the devotion I still hold for someone who has hurt me so badly so many times.

That doesn't really answer why letting go seems so impossible. It's weird how a single song can spawn so many thoughts.



I've decided to put music on here, so that if you're reading and would like to actually listen to what I'm talking about, you can.

On and On

This song. On and On by Mat Kearney. It got me thinking. About life. About love. About what I hope for and dream about. About what I want and what it is going to take to get me there. What I am going to go through in order to get to a place where I can finally be united with a love so great it will change the meaning of life as I know it. How are we going to see this through? This man and I, how will we see this through until we find each other? It's not going to be easy. Because nothing worth anything ever goes down easy. We'll keep on climbing until we find the other side. Until we find each other. And if there's one thing I know for sure, is that I love you. I already know that I'm in love with you. I may not even know you, never met or seen you in my life. You may someone I talk to regularly, a friend I haven't fully noticed just yet. But I love you just the same. I can feel it. Some days I feel as if I will burst from the love contained in my heart that is saved just for you. So find me. And I will pray, on and on I will pray, that tomorrow will be that brighter day, the day you find me. I won't care if you're nervous. I'll be nervous too. I won't care if you're scared, because I'll be scared too. Just don't be too scared to love me or you'll break my heart before you open your mouth. I won't care if you don't think you're good enough, because I already know you are. But mostly, I won't care about all the things I had to go through, because all the roads led me back to you...

If tonight is your last train out of here
How you going to run like that?
How you going to run like that?

If there's one life, and one love left here to share
How you going to turn your back?
How you going to turn your back?

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

If there's one thing that I need to hear from you
Is how we going to see this through?
How we going to see this through?

If there's one thing that I know to be true
Is that I'm in love with you
Is that I'm in love with you

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

And we'll keep on keep on climbing
On down this narrow line
So we can see the other side
The other side

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

Goes down easy
Goes down easy
Goes down easy
Goes down easy

My December by Linkin Park

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

it's not "goodbye", it's "see you later"

I hate the sound that goodbye's make. I really do. Every time I think of leaving, it almost makes me cry. I love the people here. I feel like I'm at home. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I know of course I'll see everyone again soon, but it's just not the same. I'm afraid I'll go home and I won't find myself nearly as happy as I've been here. I guess this place has been like an escape for me. I got to escape life for a bit. my family, my friends (the few that stayed), my job, ex-boyfriends, drama. I got to forget about everything that was going on and just come here and relax. I've been thinking about my life and what I really want out of it. What I really deserve. I feel so confused right now. I'm scared of coming home. I'm scared of what that will mean. Of what will happen. Not that I think anything bad will happen, I just......I don't know how to explain it. I just feel in limbo. I like it here. Things make sense here. I can think clearly. Everything is new here and I like it. I like not having all the old stuff to wade through when I'm in Utah, trying so hard to get through to the new stuff, but somehow still getting bogged down by everything else. I'm afraid I'll come home and go back to the old stuff. I'll forget the progress I've made the person I've become. It's sounds impossible, but I'm scared it will happen. I'm not the same person I was when I left, I know that for sure. And I'm so grateful that that is the case. People here make sure I show who I really am and stick to it. Maybe because they haven't know me my whole life. They just know the me now, not the me then. Even though sometimes I get picked on, I know it's not because they're questioning me or judging me. Sometimes, because I've been in the same place for so many years and I've known the same people for all those years, I feel like I need to stay that person, like I need to reform myself when I'm with them, can't be my "changed" self because maybe they won't understand. Not that I'm all different in a drastic way, just in little ways. But that's how I've always felt. I like feeling included, wanted, really part of a family - a whole family. It doesn't feel messy like it does back home.

Thoughts from a Girl

do you ever feel like you're just ready to be in a relationship. Like, you could totally be committed and be in love and be a girlfriend or wife or even mother. But then the next minute you're like, no, i don't want that quite yet. I don't want all the drama or stress or anxiety that comes with a new relationship, or any relationship really. Last time was just so hard that i'm kind of avoiding anything that even relates to such a thing. i don't want to get hurt again. i don't want to keep getting let down. i don't want to have expectations that just end up getting crushed. and i am not willing to lower or change my expectations, and i'm not sure how willing i am yet to open those up with another guy. it takes a lot to open up and let yourself go and i put so much into it last time. i tried to stay true to what i wanted, but somehow, as always, i let it fall slightly and i just don't know if i'm up to making expectations for someone so that i can get what i really deserve. and since i'm so shaky about it, i'm afraid that if something new does start, that i won't be strong enough or care enough to enforce what i want, and i know that that will only lead to heartache. so....while sometimes i really want to be married or in a relationship, i have to remember the state i'm really in and remind myself that, while those things are good, they should never be rushed into. just because all my friends are married doesn't mean that i should go latch onto the first guy i see. because, let's face it, married survival rate is like 50%. and i do not want to take any chances on starting something that won't last for eternity. it honestly (no matter how much i hate it sometimes) is worth it to me to wait for however long it takes to find a husband that i will be with forever than to get married right now to someone who isn't right for me. i know that i will be an amazing wife. and i know that the man i marry will be amazing as well and that when we get together, great things will happen.

Unhappy by Thriving Ivory

She takes her clothes off and she says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I don't remember what I said, is it alright?

Well she's gone when I awake
Left a letter, saying everything was a mistake
And I'm alone, but it's alright
'Cause I understand, I could tell everything's not fine
It's never alright to push away, I'm not as blind as you may think
And I'm tired of all that is
And I know that this time it's not all in my head

You look a little unhappy, 'bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

It's just another day it's cold
And I'm losin' myself inside
The colors on the wall, are all fading
And all that's left is a hope for another day
That's not cold again, and it's a shame

You look a little unhappy, bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

Must have been around midnight, There's a ghost at the door
She said please go slowly, cause we've all been here before
She takes her clothes off and she says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I don't remember what I said, is it alright?
And I know that this time it's not all in my head

You look a little unhappy, bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

Ok, I love this song. I think that it's about a girl who has broken up with a guy that wasn't good to her, so she goes to seek comfort with a good guy friend that maybe she's seeing in a different light. he asks her what he can do to help her and the only thing she says is, "maybe you won't end up like him". Like saying, if you do anything, make sure you aren't like that guy. he wasn't good and didn't treat her right. so be better than him. treat me (or whomever) better than he did. Treat me like how i deserve. if you want to make me happy (with me or with someone else) just don't end up like him. begging him to be better. she came to see him because maybe she's realized that the other guy wasn't good enough and she's realizing, even though she's devastated and heartbroken, that this guy is someone that will treat her right. I love it because it shows that even though she's been treated badly and has reason to lose all hope and faith in guys and what they have to offer, she still finds hope in this one that she goes to. she's been around "bad" long enough and she wants to be with some "good" and she knows that he could be it. she has the faith that he can be the one that doesn't leave her in shambles. it is of hope. don't be unhappy. you'll make me happy if there's just one guy out there who isn't like the rest.

Pray Your Heart Out

Can I just say how much I appreciate the ability we have to pray? I just love it. I love just saying everything I want to say, anything I'm feeling or thinking. All the bad stuff that goes through my mind that makes life sad, and all the great amazing things that happen to me everyday that I sometimes neglect to recognize. Knowing that at any time - even if I'm in class, at a friends house, walking on campus, or just in the comfort of my own bedroom - that I have someone right there with me that I can talk to. I don't have to have something interesting to say, I can just say what I'm feeling. I can say thank you for giving me such a wonderful fulfilling life. I can beg forgiveness for mistakes I've made. I can ask for things that I want - my deepest desires. And I can also acknowledge that, while I may request many things and I may not be as grateful for some things as I should be, I want things to go according to His will and plan for me. And that, to me, is the hardest and yet most fulfilling thing. Because He does know everything and even when I'm being difficult, He will guide me to the path, even if it hurts or if I argue. I know that I have to let Him do it because He knows best and, well, I want Him to.

So, there's my little shout out for praying. Never underestimate the power of communication - the power of communication with the most important person in our lives.

A Lonely September by Plain White T's

I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind, no

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
That you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
And the more I want you here with me

You know the holidays are coming up
I don't wanna spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
Will just kill me if I'm on my own, oh

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
We just can't seem to get it right
But what I woundn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone
It's not gettin' me very far
I look around my room and eveything I see reminds of you
Oh, please, baby, won't you take my hand?
We've got nothing left to prove

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
When we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
The way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back
Cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

Look

Just in case you forget that life is worth living...

it is in fact worth it.

It's not impossible,

even though it may seem so.

It may seem like nothing good is happening,

or that you will never find happiness

or that no one will ever love you,

or that you have failed yourself.

Well look around you,

at your roommates, your friends, your parents.

Do they love you?

Yes, yes they do.

And they think you are worth it,

and they KNOW that you can do it.

And most importantly,

your Heavenly Father KNOWS that you can do it,

and dang it, He WANTS you to do it.

I would like to say, don't you go and let Him down,

and I would be right, you shouldn't.

But.

Really I want to say,

don't you dare let yourself down.

Don't you dare.

Why?

I read on MSN today of two (yes, two!) shootings that took place this week (one in Germany and one in Alabama). The man in Germany killed 15 people I think, at a school, and the man in Alabama killed 11 people, a lot of them family.

First of all, how can someone kill another person? How? I mean, I guess if it was a serious life or death situation, I could understand. But to just kill someone innocent or someone you don't even know? Why? Why kill someone who has done nothing to you? I just don't get how you can take away another person's life. And not only their life, but what about everyone who needs that person? family, friends, what about their lives now? What is a four month old going to do without her mother? What is her father going to do without his beloved wife? And they are gone for what? Because some unstable person decided he would have some fun with a deadly weapon for no apparent reason?

Secondly, why? I know a lot of these people have some sort of mental problem. But really, I think it all leads from depression. Most of these people were seen as good members of society - good people even. But what happens when good people get depressed? They lose control. Nothing makes sense anymore. They are miserable, and misery does not breed good people. I in no way think these are excuses for what these people do. If you're having a problem, well, do something about it - something good. Never pick up a gun or any sort of weapon when your depressed. Because you might just make the biggest mistake of your life. It's no wonder they kill themselves afterward. How could you do something so terrible - the worst possible sin even - and face yourself? They're cowards.

Every time I hear about one of these shootings I go through so many emotions. I think the most prominent one is fear. Initially of course you think, well that won't ever happen to me. I'm a good person and I don't know any crazies that would do anything like that. Well, first - that's what everyone says about those people who go on killing sprees, that they are "good people who would never do anything like that". And second, you don't have to know the person. They will shoot at you whether they know you or not. And they could come anywhere. They can come to your college, in your class, where you're eating lunch. They know no time or place.

The second emotion would have to be sorrow. All those people who were killed had lives - they had friends and family. They had people who loved them and those that they loved. And now they're gone. It's just so unfair.

I know that Heavenly Father is there every time, though, welcoming his children back who were wrongfully taken from Earth. And that's why the gospel is so important. Especially to prevent things like this. I would hope that we as Latter Day Saints have been taught well by our parents and that we know how to handle ourselves in such ways that we really would never go to such lengths. It certainly gives some perspective on life.

Down

I don't want to focus on the past. I want to be able to look to the future. And not only just look to the future, but look to the future and be excited for it. To be happy about what my future holds. I think right now I'm just really caught up in the present and what I want things to be. What I wish things were like. But I think I'm really realizing that another person can't make me happy. Of course people help make life better and make happy times in life. But when it comes down to it, when you are all alone as you lie down to bed, no one can make you love your life. It has to be from you. Inside of you there has to be something that makes you happy. Just happy as a person. Just content to be you. And to know who you are. Sometimes I wonder if I know who I am. If I am happy. I like to rely on other people's happiness to make me happy. And I know that it's not a bad thing, but what happens when those people are happy on their own and they don't "need" me to help them anymore? I feel kind of helpless. I like feeling needed. I'm not saying that you don't need people. Because we need people; I 100% agree with that. But not when it gets extreme. Not when you rely wholeheartedly on how your actions effect someone else and makes them happy and don't pay attention on what you need to be happy - on what another person could/should be doing to help you in your life. I think I gravitate towards those kinds of people and I don't know how to stop. Or rather, I don't know what I need, I guess. I keep waiting for someone to find me who knows just what I need and just who I am. But I'm pretty sure the only person with that capability is Heavenly Father. And that scares me, I'm not going to lie. But it also makes me feel very secure because I know that when I am able to go to him when I feel utterly depleted, He will be there to, if nothing else, comfort me. Because He knows what I can do and the paths I should take. He, of all people, knows exactly who I am and what I need. It's so weird to think that someone knows you better than you do. Not like a mom or a best friend does (because they most likely do), but more than that. He knows your every desire and every thought. He can see what you will become. And most importantly, He loves you and wants so so badly for you to come to Him - to come back to Him. And sometimes the greatest thing you can do is confront that fear of the unknown and just let Him take control of your life. But maybe I thrive on that fear too much to let it go just yet...

Maybe I shouldn't post this....maybe it's a little too much information about myself to be so readily available to anyone who wants to read it. I just haven't had a good morning and I needed to get it out of my system.

A Heart Full of Love

The heart.

It is amazing the feelings that this little organ can produce. When I was young I was always so confused why people had such strong things to say about love. But it is amazing to me even now the number of emotions. Like, remember a time when someone broke your heart and for a while it hurt to even breathe because it hurt so bad. I always think of the Twilight books when Edward leaves Bella and she has to wrap her arms around herself because of the "hole" created by her heartache. Cheesy, I know. But that really is how it feels sometimes. You miss him so bad it physically hurts. On the opposite side, remember when someone made you feel so amazingly happy and giddy and excited and just, content. Like, life just wouldn't work the same way without them in it in some way. They are your comfort and protection and they make you feel like you can turn to them for anything and they will be there no matter what. And sometimes it just feels like your chest is going to explode, but you don't really know why and you can't explain it. It's such a strong feeling, there are no words. And I have barely even breached the tip of it. Love is amazing and it can produce such great things. It can also produce devastating results. But that is just the way of love and there is no getting around it. So just hang on for dear life to those you love and who love you. Because love is the thing that keeps your heart beating.

Oh the Joys of Life

I'll just make this simple.

Heavenly Father has his hand in every aspect of our lives. It's so hard for me to really realize that, especially when I get so caught up in the craziness that becomes life. But he is there in every moment. He can see not only what we do everyday, but he can see our thoughts. He knows what we're going through. He's not like the random guy you see walking by you on campus who can see you frowning because of the snow, or smiling because someone sent you a text. That guy doesn't know what you're thinking. He can just see your expressions. But Heavenly Father, he knows what you're thinking too! Isn't that just amazing? He knows what you're going through. Christ has been through everything that you have been through, felt every thought, and he is there for you whenever you want to go to him.

Because of all of this, he isn't going to forget you. Ever. When you are going through a hard time, he will be there with you, give you comfort and guidance, through every single step. Even when you totally want to give up - and I totally want to sometimes - He is there, rooting for you, hoping that you will ponder long enough to hear Him rooting for you.