can't let go

Have you ever had someone that you just couldn't let go of? No matter how hard you try, they still inherit some part of you.

I've tried so hard to let someone go. Well, I'll be honest. I haven't tried my hardest. I haven't done everything I could do. But that's because deep down I don't want to let him go. I know it's probably not healthy to hold on to someone who no longer cares to be in your life. But is it really that bad if I'm okay with that fact? I just like the memory of them lingering in my mind. Ok, it is that bad, maybe worse. Because that memory - all the memories - are holding me back. Holding me back from letting someone else in. This song, Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg, is exactly how I feel about it. "without lifting a finger you're holding me back" I just can't fully move on yet. I'm not stuck in the past, I'm not still hung up on him. I've moved on. I want other things, other people, in my life. And I've succeeded in that, and it makes me happy. But, there are certain things I just don't want to let go of yet. And I don't know when I'll be able to - maybe never. Maybe something needs to happen for me to fully sweep it from my mind.

I know the reality. I'm not living every day thinking about him; it's getting more and more rare that I do. I don't know why I want to keep him around. I like the memories. Well, the good ones. And it's not that I wish I was still with him. And if I ever do think that, reality thankfully creeps in and I remember all the reasons I shouldn't want such things. I guess it's the hopeless romantic still hovering around inside me. Wanting to believe in something I know isn't good for me, but still hoping that things could be different.

I know it doesn't make any sense. Not me, and certainly not to anyone else. To them, he is dirt; lower than that probably. But to me.....to me, he was everything. I would have done anything for him. And I still would. It makes me mad sometimes, the devotion I still hold for someone who has hurt me so badly so many times.

That doesn't really answer why letting go seems so impossible. It's weird how a single song can spawn so many thoughts.



I've decided to put music on here, so that if you're reading and would like to actually listen to what I'm talking about, you can.