a moment

i was sitting in class today, when it came. a brief passing of the only evidence of you that could ever find me: your smell.

immediately tears tried to escape. not because of sadness. but because that is how my body remembers to react to you.

in that very short moment, a million feelings. a million images. filled my mind. i was suspended. i couldn't breathe. couldn't concentrate. it was the perfect summation of "us". if only that was all i had to experience.

it happened so suddenly, i barely had time to catch myself. for as soon as you were there, you were gone. and oh how grateful i was that you were.

for everything about you suffocates me.

for cuteness

This website is pretty awesome: mylifeisaverage.com. For example:

"Today, I was driving behind my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls over. I do the same and am utterly bewildered as he runs out of his car and pulls me out of mine. He then grabs my hand and we take off running.. and jumping into a giant pile of leaves he saw on the side of the road. I do believe I will be keeping him around."

for cuteness.

Missing Connection (continued)

I saw you the other day. From a distance. You looked so happy. Not fake happy, but real happy. The kind I always wished for you. The kind you deserve. I hope it lasts. I'm so glad you've found your place in life. Even though it's not with me. Maybe especially because it's not with me. Yes it hurts sometimes to think of you being so happy with someone else. But mostly. Well, mostly I couldn't care less what you're doing now. Because I've found my own happiness. I don't dream of you anymore. Never actually.

I guess, for some last parting words. I would like to thank you. Thank you for letting me obsess over you for so long. It was so very painful. But that pain has turned into something beautiful. And without it. Without that experience. That process. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now. And I don't think I could trade that for anything.

I think you'll always hold a small place in my heart. Only there to remind me of the person I've become. And the role you had in getting me there.

So, again, thank you. Thank you. And goodbye.

sad eyes

mr. husband,

when i'm having a bad day, here are some pointers:

• first and foremost, remind me how much you love me (if love is all we need, maybe i can make it through this)
• you might think that you should say "all the right things", but all i really need is for you to tell me that everything will work out. that somehow, it will all be ok. that's all i need to hear.
• a big hug. for as long as necessary. if i cry, let me.
• buy me some chocolate. or ice cream. or both. and. just let me cuddle up to you on the couch and watch tv for an indefinite amount of time. i will want to forget everything for a while.
• i know it's selfish, but don't talk to me about your day. as much as i love you, i'm not going going to care. let me get past the sulking stage, then i will want to hear about all the wonderful things you want to tell me :)
• if you buy me some pizza or take me out to dinner, i'll cheer up much quicker. the way to my happiness is definitely through food.
• listen. i know i'll say a lot of outrageous things. i'll be irrational. you don't have to respond, just be there to listen. you can think about football if you must (just don't let me know about it).

and also,

thank you

love

back to normal

Isn't is so nice when things get back to some semblance of happiness?
Sometimes, even with life swirling around you, someone comes back
And gives you the chance to smile
It makes all the difference in the world.

peace

Last night as I lay in bed, a million things buzzed through my mind.

So, I said a little prayer.

Immediately my mind was cleared. And I fell asleep peacefully.

I forgot what that was like.

escape

i want to run. as fast as i can. away from here. from everything i know. everything i love. everything i fear. especially from the fear. the pain. the heartache. i want to run away. forget everything. even if it means runnning from love. from happiness. there is too much taint in the good things. the two have melded too closely together. it's time to start over. start someplace where the two are distiguishable.

i'll return. after my heart has settled.

but now. now i want to escape. under the covers. in another bed. in another city. in another place entirely. where no one can make me feel anything. numb. i want to be numb while i escape. I want to run from the hard stuff. the stuff that makes me cry. that makes me question everything i know.

i want to run to happiness. into security. run into arms that will hold me. forever. where i can nuzzle up and stay for as long as i want. that reality has been slowly fading from my mind. how can i hope for something i have yet to deem possible?