Muddled

Have you ever done something that you knew you would regret? That you knew could change everything? Ruin what you want, what you know is good for you. But for some reason your mind checks out and you find yourself in the exact position you were trying to avoid.

I feel nauseous and I can't think straight. Everything is muddled. I'm scared. For my life. For my heart. For my sanity.

I'm scared that I'm becoming a person I don't know. That I'm going to make choices that I shouldn't make. That I want to make, but shouldn't. I'm being selfish. So very selfish. I always care so much about other people, how my decisions will effect them. Anything to avoid hurting them. Just make everyone happy. But I've faltered. I made the choice to forget about everyone else. Is this what it feels like to rebel? To do something without considering the consequences?

I'm sorry. I'm so so so very sorry. For letting you down. You don't even know that I've betrayed you. Betrayed your trust. Betrayed your idea of who I am. I told you I was strong. Stronger because of you. And I am. But I forgot. I forgot how weak I really am.

So weak it scares me.