Thursday, September 24, 2009

to know you

The day I met you, was the day my eyes were open. Open to a new world. A new way of life. Before you. Life was good. But now. Now life is worth living. You've been here all along really. But I haven't formally introduce myself, at least not for a long time. And even then, I felt like I pushed you to the side too soon after. And for that I am sincerely sorry. I wish I could say that now was a time I could "start over" with you. But, I just can't do that yet. I wish I could. Mostly because I know that I should. Who wouldn't want to be close to someone who saves their life every single day? And without any recognition. I've never felt so undeserving yet in so much need. You would think with those two opposing notions, I would feel confused. But I don't. I never feel confused when it comes to you. There aren't even two answers. There's one answer. One. And I know it.

I feel like the girl in the back of the class who knows the answer to the hardest question, and is so excited to give that answer that her hand is flailing about above her. "pick me! pick me!" But she isn't chosen to answer. Because there are so many others in front her with their hands raised. So many others that are more competent, more worthy, to answer such an important question. And so she sits. Depleted. Until she realizes that the teacher has called on not one person, but every person. She's going down the rows, letting everyone have their turn. And then it's my turn. I was so eager to answer before. But now. After everyone else's response. I don't feel that mine matches theirs. So I stay quiet for a bit. Wondering what to do. Do I stand up and shout MY answer? Or do I stay just as I am. Because, frankly, I've grown accustomed to my life in the back of the class. Not having to speak. Only thinking. Is thinking the right answer the same as speaking it?

But. That's the thing. No matter any current comforts, I DO know the right answer. And I do WANT to answer. I could never ever deny that. Maybe it's a desire that has gone unnoticed for too long. But the desire is still there. Ready to burst at the seems. Just waiting, ever ready, to rise to the surface and proclaim:
"I know"