facing life

I feel so overwhelmed right now. mostly just in this moment. Like everything is trying to break me. one or two wrong turns are manageable, but too many wrong turns lead to utter destruction. Too many flashbacks. Too many lists. Too many feelings. Too many distractions. Too many thoughts. definitely too many thoughts. sometimes i wish my mind would just stop. stop bringing up everything that makes me sad. even if it means that i'm prolonging the inevitable. i can face life later. just not this moment.

Sometimes when things get like this, I dwell on the past. because it's better than the present. but. what about the future? that's where my mind should be. on what the future holds. but that's the hard part. not knowing what the future holds. so it's easier to look backwards. how things were. what things could be like if maybe, just maybe, you had been good enough to be a part of that future.

These are foolish thoughts, I know. I don't want the past. but I don't really want the present either. and in this moment. i can't get it out of my head. its moments like this when I wish time would speed up. that I could be in the future. have this part behind me. but then, that's the thing about life. you can't speed it up - or slow it down.

You just have to face it as it comes. That's the only way to make it through alive.