Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

have you recieved a priesthood blessing recently? if not, you probably should. because, in case you forgot, they're


growing up i didn't really ever get blessings, because, well, circumstances just didn't really allow it. but now that i have home teachers and worthy guy friends and even more recently, a step-dad who is able and more than willing, i've realized how much i really love them.

because, to me, there is nothing more peaceful and loving than to get a blessing. i've never walked away from one feeling less than fulfilled. it never fails that something is said that i absolutely needed to hear. and usually it's when i'm getting a blessing for another reason. but Heavenly Father always slips in something else that He knows i need to hear. He's amazing like that.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

not enough

how can you love someone. but not want to be with them? how can you say, "I love you". without wanting more?

sometimes love just isn't enough. sometimes you can love someone with all you have, but it doesn't change anything.

of course you could say, maybe the other person doesn't feel the same way. but what about when that isn't the case? what about when you both feel that love? maybe then it's not really love, but some mixture of comfort and lust and obsession.

but even so. how can you feel that way and not take action? how can you feel so close to someone. yet so far away. maybe it's fear. fear of the absolute. because in the end, love is absolute. loving someone isn't something we choose to do. it creeps its way into our souls. and taking responsibility for that love is taking a leap into the unknown.

so, sometimes it's easier to run. refuse to believe your heart. hide. and run. but why run from the possibility of love? of happiness? why not be with the one you love?

and why say the words if you don't mean it? if you don't want more?

maybe it's knowledge. that it just wouldn't work. it would be harmful to want more. because sometimes love just isn't enough. but you say it anyway.

"i love you"

because you want it to be enough.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Have you ever done something that you knew you would regret? That you knew could change everything? Ruin what you want, what you know is good for you. But for some reason your mind checks out and you find yourself in the exact position you were trying to avoid.

I feel nauseous and I can't think straight. Everything is muddled. I'm scared. For my life. For my heart. For my sanity.

I'm scared that I'm becoming a person I don't know. That I'm going to make choices that I shouldn't make. That I want to make, but shouldn't. I'm being selfish. So very selfish. I always care so much about other people, how my decisions will effect them. Anything to avoid hurting them. Just make everyone happy. But I've faltered. I made the choice to forget about everyone else. Is this what it feels like to rebel? To do something without considering the consequences?

I'm sorry. I'm so so so very sorry. For letting you down. You don't even know that I've betrayed you. Betrayed your trust. Betrayed your idea of who I am. I told you I was strong. Stronger because of you. And I am. But I forgot. I forgot how weak I really am.

So weak it scares me.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Letting Go

I think I'm finally starting to let go of him. I think things are more and more starting to click out of place. To "unbutton" if you will. Until I hope someday soon I can remove it all together. The memory of him. The memory that has wrapped itself around a part of my heart like a web, taking it hostage. Whatever it is that has me holding on, its grasp is releasing. I can feel it. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm finally realizing what I really want. What I really want for my future. What love really means. How much time I'm wasting by trying to keep parts of my past in the present.

I'm finding better things to hold onto. A better person that is worth keeping memories with. Maybe he's too far away to be a reality, but he feels so close in my mind. But maybe someday, we can finally be in the same place, and we'll never have to let go. He'll have my whole heart and I'll have his. But for now, I'll just have to keep picking at the web around my heart until it releases completely and I can have it all to myself. Then I can give it all to the one who deserves it, instead of the sliver he holds now, all i could give.

I broke down when he left me. And I let him leave my life. But the place I let him occupy in my heart has lived on, hardening as if it was there to stay. No more. Now I'm breaking down the place he's held in my life, in my heart. Bit by bit the pieces are falling. It hurts, but a good hurt. The hurt of letting go. And because of it, I've found that there truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Little Burst

Do you ever get little bursts of happiness?

Sometimes there's a reason, like getting good news or talking to someone you like. But sometimes there is no reason.

Just sitting at my desk at work, writing an email, and - jolt - little burst of happiness for some unexplained reason. It's just, happiness. Like, yay for life. Everything's good, even if just for a moment, for it doesn't always last long.

That's why it's a burst.