can't take it

I've never felt so relieved and so hurt at the same time. I don't know which emotion to focus on. The relief mostly. that things are finally put to rest. Finally taken care of. I didn't choose the outcome. It's one I never would have chosen. One that broke my heart. But something had to happen. And so I'll take whatever outcome is necessary to make things get better. Because being stuck in a state of question. of confusion and frustration. It's been driving me crazy. this inner turmoil. It's not as bad as I remember. But the relief is the same. It's funny how two very different situations can have the same feelings. Letting go definitely feels the same. It hurts. I guess it's not really letting go this time though. This time it's watching them let go. I don't know which is worse. I hope against hope that they don't really let go. That they come back. maybe I shouldn't be that forgiving. But someone so close deserves as many chances as they need.

I tried to do the right thing. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. That was my choice. But I can't choose for everyone. Just like they can't choose for me. All the many times I've tried to control other people. Make them choose what I want. But never succeeding. Now I know what it really feels like. And I couldn't stand for it. Not anymore. I can't try to make everyone happy anymore. It's too hard. I lose myself trying to please everyone. It's not worth it to me anymore. to lose myself. I can make my own choices. Not everyone has to agree. It hurts. To think that someone chose what I so desperately didn't want them to choose.

But. I'm relieved the point was reached. I'm glad I reached it. And I'm proud of myself for that.