Missing Connection (continued)

I saw you the other day. From a distance. You looked so happy. Not fake happy, but real happy. The kind I always wished for you. The kind you deserve. I hope it lasts. I'm so glad you've found your place in life. Even though it's not with me. Maybe especially because it's not with me. Yes it hurts sometimes to think of you being so happy with someone else. But mostly. Well, mostly I couldn't care less what you're doing now. Because I've found my own happiness. I don't dream of you anymore. Never actually.

I guess, for some last parting words. I would like to thank you. Thank you for letting me obsess over you for so long. It was so very painful. But that pain has turned into something beautiful. And without it. Without that experience. That process. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now. And I don't think I could trade that for anything.

I think you'll always hold a small place in my heart. Only there to remind me of the person I've become. And the role you had in getting me there.

So, again, thank you. Thank you. And goodbye.

sad eyes

mr. husband,

when i'm having a bad day, here are some pointers:

• first and foremost, remind me how much you love me (if love is all we need, maybe i can make it through this)
• you might think that you should say "all the right things", but all i really need is for you to tell me that everything will work out. that somehow, it will all be ok. that's all i need to hear.
• a big hug. for as long as necessary. if i cry, let me.
• buy me some chocolate. or ice cream. or both. and. just let me cuddle up to you on the couch and watch tv for an indefinite amount of time. i will want to forget everything for a while.
• i know it's selfish, but don't talk to me about your day. as much as i love you, i'm not going going to care. let me get past the sulking stage, then i will want to hear about all the wonderful things you want to tell me :)
• if you buy me some pizza or take me out to dinner, i'll cheer up much quicker. the way to my happiness is definitely through food.
• listen. i know i'll say a lot of outrageous things. i'll be irrational. you don't have to respond, just be there to listen. you can think about football if you must (just don't let me know about it).

and also,

thank you

love

back to normal

Isn't is so nice when things get back to some semblance of happiness?
Sometimes, even with life swirling around you, someone comes back
And gives you the chance to smile
It makes all the difference in the world.

peace

Last night as I lay in bed, a million things buzzed through my mind.

So, I said a little prayer.

Immediately my mind was cleared. And I fell asleep peacefully.

I forgot what that was like.

escape

i want to run. as fast as i can. away from here. from everything i know. everything i love. everything i fear. especially from the fear. the pain. the heartache. i want to run away. forget everything. even if it means runnning from love. from happiness. there is too much taint in the good things. the two have melded too closely together. it's time to start over. start someplace where the two are distiguishable.

i'll return. after my heart has settled.

but now. now i want to escape. under the covers. in another bed. in another city. in another place entirely. where no one can make me feel anything. numb. i want to be numb while i escape. I want to run from the hard stuff. the stuff that makes me cry. that makes me question everything i know.

i want to run to happiness. into security. run into arms that will hold me. forever. where i can nuzzle up and stay for as long as i want. that reality has been slowly fading from my mind. how can i hope for something i have yet to deem possible?

Good Morning World

Do you ever have days when things are just, good?

Today is going to be one of those days.

I can feel it.

facing life

I feel so overwhelmed right now. mostly just in this moment. Like everything is trying to break me. one or two wrong turns are manageable, but too many wrong turns lead to utter destruction. Too many flashbacks. Too many lists. Too many feelings. Too many distractions. Too many thoughts. definitely too many thoughts. sometimes i wish my mind would just stop. stop bringing up everything that makes me sad. even if it means that i'm prolonging the inevitable. i can face life later. just not this moment.

Sometimes when things get like this, I dwell on the past. because it's better than the present. but. what about the future? that's where my mind should be. on what the future holds. but that's the hard part. not knowing what the future holds. so it's easier to look backwards. how things were. what things could be like if maybe, just maybe, you had been good enough to be a part of that future.

These are foolish thoughts, I know. I don't want the past. but I don't really want the present either. and in this moment. i can't get it out of my head. its moments like this when I wish time would speed up. that I could be in the future. have this part behind me. but then, that's the thing about life. you can't speed it up - or slow it down.

You just have to face it as it comes. That's the only way to make it through alive.