Missing Connections

There's a place on craigslist.com where you can post about missing connections. write to random people you saw that made you turn your head. Like a guy sees an attractive girl on the subway everyday but has never spoken to her. So he writes on this site, expressing his interest. Some of it is pretty funny. Some of it is really sweet. But it got me thinking. And here's what I would write.

Dear missing connection,

I wish I could make you happy. I wish you could see what things could be like if we were together. It would be amazing. We could do great things. You don't see that, though, do you? I can see you're sad. You pretend not to be. You put on a pretty good front actually. You fool a lot of people. But not me. I can see right through that facade. I see the hurt inside. I see the fear. That you might actually find happiness after the misery you've experienced thus far. I see how you trick people into thinking you've let them in. I see how hard you strive to be the person you think you should be. It makes me sad. To see you like this. Because I see all you can be. In just a glance. It's almost funny to me that no one else can see it, not even you. But I can. I wish you could. I wish you could see all you can be. I wish you could want what I want for you. I wish I could tell you everything I'm thinking and all I think of you. I have so much to tell you. But I can't. I think, if only I could tell you. Everything would change. You would let me in. You would find that happiness you are searching for. And I could be there with you to discover it. To watch you find what you're looking for. But. That's the thing about my thoughts. They're not real.

But if, someday, you decide you would like to hear what I have to say. To finally be vulnerable enough to see what I see. To stop being so scared to let me in. Find me. Come find me. I'll be the one in the back. The one you've ignored all this time.

Sometimes You Leave

Sometimes I get so caught up in one thing. Be it a person, a goal, or even a moment in my life. I forget that I don't have to stay caught up in it. I can leave. I can put aside everything going on in my mind about the subject, and focus on something else. Something that gives me more hope and happiness. Sometimes I can't change things. Sometimes I get caught up in my future - about what will happen and when - and I can't change that. I can make decisions that lead me in certain directions, but I can't change the future. I have to wait until it happens.

And I certainly can't change people. That's a tough one. Because sometimes - well, a lot of times - I wish I could change people. Change what they're doing, what they want. But that just isn't possible. Influence is definitely possible, but not a guarantee.

I get so frustrated sometimes when things don't happen how I want. But. I know that I can leave. And sometimes that is the only thing I can do. Leave the dreariness and focus on the happiness. Walk away from that person. that thought. that dream. There are better things out there for me, and I want to find them.

can't let go

Have you ever had someone that you just couldn't let go of? No matter how hard you try, they still inherit some part of you.

I've tried so hard to let someone go. Well, I'll be honest. I haven't tried my hardest. I haven't done everything I could do. But that's because deep down I don't want to let him go. I know it's probably not healthy to hold on to someone who no longer cares to be in your life. But is it really that bad if I'm okay with that fact? I just like the memory of them lingering in my mind. Ok, it is that bad, maybe worse. Because that memory - all the memories - are holding me back. Holding me back from letting someone else in. This song, Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg, is exactly how I feel about it. "without lifting a finger you're holding me back" I just can't fully move on yet. I'm not stuck in the past, I'm not still hung up on him. I've moved on. I want other things, other people, in my life. And I've succeeded in that, and it makes me happy. But, there are certain things I just don't want to let go of yet. And I don't know when I'll be able to - maybe never. Maybe something needs to happen for me to fully sweep it from my mind.

I know the reality. I'm not living every day thinking about him; it's getting more and more rare that I do. I don't know why I want to keep him around. I like the memories. Well, the good ones. And it's not that I wish I was still with him. And if I ever do think that, reality thankfully creeps in and I remember all the reasons I shouldn't want such things. I guess it's the hopeless romantic still hovering around inside me. Wanting to believe in something I know isn't good for me, but still hoping that things could be different.

I know it doesn't make any sense. Not me, and certainly not to anyone else. To them, he is dirt; lower than that probably. But to me.....to me, he was everything. I would have done anything for him. And I still would. It makes me mad sometimes, the devotion I still hold for someone who has hurt me so badly so many times.

That doesn't really answer why letting go seems so impossible. It's weird how a single song can spawn so many thoughts.



I've decided to put music on here, so that if you're reading and would like to actually listen to what I'm talking about, you can.

On and On

This song. On and On by Mat Kearney. It got me thinking. About life. About love. About what I hope for and dream about. About what I want and what it is going to take to get me there. What I am going to go through in order to get to a place where I can finally be united with a love so great it will change the meaning of life as I know it. How are we going to see this through? This man and I, how will we see this through until we find each other? It's not going to be easy. Because nothing worth anything ever goes down easy. We'll keep on climbing until we find the other side. Until we find each other. And if there's one thing I know for sure, is that I love you. I already know that I'm in love with you. I may not even know you, never met or seen you in my life. You may someone I talk to regularly, a friend I haven't fully noticed just yet. But I love you just the same. I can feel it. Some days I feel as if I will burst from the love contained in my heart that is saved just for you. So find me. And I will pray, on and on I will pray, that tomorrow will be that brighter day, the day you find me. I won't care if you're nervous. I'll be nervous too. I won't care if you're scared, because I'll be scared too. Just don't be too scared to love me or you'll break my heart before you open your mouth. I won't care if you don't think you're good enough, because I already know you are. But mostly, I won't care about all the things I had to go through, because all the roads led me back to you...

If tonight is your last train out of here
How you going to run like that?
How you going to run like that?

If there's one life, and one love left here to share
How you going to turn your back?
How you going to turn your back?

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

If there's one thing that I need to hear from you
Is how we going to see this through?
How we going to see this through?

If there's one thing that I know to be true
Is that I'm in love with you
Is that I'm in love with you

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

And we'll keep on keep on climbing
On down this narrow line
So we can see the other side
The other side

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

Goes down easy
Goes down easy
Goes down easy
Goes down easy