in a rush

I don't want to wait any longer. I feel so impatient lately. I just want things to start happening. I know I have to do the work, but, sometimes I feel like I've done enough work. I know how good I am. I'm good enough to get everything I want. I just want it now. I hate waiting. I hate wondering. I'm done. Just give me what I want. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I know that that's just how life is. But I would just like to put life on hold for a while. To put it aside so that I can regroup. Get things in order. Get what I want. Vacations make me think too much. It scares me to think so much. Because I always realize how unhappy I really am. Well, not unhappy really. Because I'm not unhappy. More just, I realize what I don't have. What I want but what I can't seem to reach. I guess I just need to suck it up and get moving. Get working on my life. So that I really can get what I want. Because I know life won't just happen. I have to make it happen. But for these few minutes, I would just like to pretend. Pretend that life can be everything I want it to be.

can't take it

I've never felt so relieved and so hurt at the same time. I don't know which emotion to focus on. The relief mostly. that things are finally put to rest. Finally taken care of. I didn't choose the outcome. It's one I never would have chosen. One that broke my heart. But something had to happen. And so I'll take whatever outcome is necessary to make things get better. Because being stuck in a state of question. of confusion and frustration. It's been driving me crazy. this inner turmoil. It's not as bad as I remember. But the relief is the same. It's funny how two very different situations can have the same feelings. Letting go definitely feels the same. It hurts. I guess it's not really letting go this time though. This time it's watching them let go. I don't know which is worse. I hope against hope that they don't really let go. That they come back. maybe I shouldn't be that forgiving. But someone so close deserves as many chances as they need.

I tried to do the right thing. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. That was my choice. But I can't choose for everyone. Just like they can't choose for me. All the many times I've tried to control other people. Make them choose what I want. But never succeeding. Now I know what it really feels like. And I couldn't stand for it. Not anymore. I can't try to make everyone happy anymore. It's too hard. I lose myself trying to please everyone. It's not worth it to me anymore. to lose myself. I can make my own choices. Not everyone has to agree. It hurts. To think that someone chose what I so desperately didn't want them to choose.

But. I'm relieved the point was reached. I'm glad I reached it. And I'm proud of myself for that.

a moment

i was sitting in class today, when it came. a brief passing of the only evidence of you that could ever find me: your smell.

immediately tears tried to escape. not because of sadness. but because that is how my body remembers to react to you.

in that very short moment, a million feelings. a million images. filled my mind. i was suspended. i couldn't breathe. couldn't concentrate. it was the perfect summation of "us". if only that was all i had to experience.

it happened so suddenly, i barely had time to catch myself. for as soon as you were there, you were gone. and oh how grateful i was that you were.

for everything about you suffocates me.

for cuteness

This website is pretty awesome: mylifeisaverage.com. For example:

"Today, I was driving behind my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls over. I do the same and am utterly bewildered as he runs out of his car and pulls me out of mine. He then grabs my hand and we take off running.. and jumping into a giant pile of leaves he saw on the side of the road. I do believe I will be keeping him around."

for cuteness.