Thoughts from a Girl

do you ever feel like you're just ready to be in a relationship. Like, you could totally be committed and be in love and be a girlfriend or wife or even mother. But then the next minute you're like, no, i don't want that quite yet. I don't want all the drama or stress or anxiety that comes with a new relationship, or any relationship really. Last time was just so hard that i'm kind of avoiding anything that even relates to such a thing. i don't want to get hurt again. i don't want to keep getting let down. i don't want to have expectations that just end up getting crushed. and i am not willing to lower or change my expectations, and i'm not sure how willing i am yet to open those up with another guy. it takes a lot to open up and let yourself go and i put so much into it last time. i tried to stay true to what i wanted, but somehow, as always, i let it fall slightly and i just don't know if i'm up to making expectations for someone so that i can get what i really deserve. and since i'm so shaky about it, i'm afraid that if something new does start, that i won't be strong enough or care enough to enforce what i want, and i know that that will only lead to heartache. so....while sometimes i really want to be married or in a relationship, i have to remember the state i'm really in and remind myself that, while those things are good, they should never be rushed into. just because all my friends are married doesn't mean that i should go latch onto the first guy i see. because, let's face it, married survival rate is like 50%. and i do not want to take any chances on starting something that won't last for eternity. it honestly (no matter how much i hate it sometimes) is worth it to me to wait for however long it takes to find a husband that i will be with forever than to get married right now to someone who isn't right for me. i know that i will be an amazing wife. and i know that the man i marry will be amazing as well and that when we get together, great things will happen.

Unhappy by Thriving Ivory

She takes her clothes off and she says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I don't remember what I said, is it alright?

Well she's gone when I awake
Left a letter, saying everything was a mistake
And I'm alone, but it's alright
'Cause I understand, I could tell everything's not fine
It's never alright to push away, I'm not as blind as you may think
And I'm tired of all that is
And I know that this time it's not all in my head

You look a little unhappy, 'bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

It's just another day it's cold
And I'm losin' myself inside
The colors on the wall, are all fading
And all that's left is a hope for another day
That's not cold again, and it's a shame

You look a little unhappy, bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

Must have been around midnight, There's a ghost at the door
She said please go slowly, cause we've all been here before
She takes her clothes off and she says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I don't remember what I said, is it alright?
And I know that this time it's not all in my head

You look a little unhappy, bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

Ok, I love this song. I think that it's about a girl who has broken up with a guy that wasn't good to her, so she goes to seek comfort with a good guy friend that maybe she's seeing in a different light. he asks her what he can do to help her and the only thing she says is, "maybe you won't end up like him". Like saying, if you do anything, make sure you aren't like that guy. he wasn't good and didn't treat her right. so be better than him. treat me (or whomever) better than he did. Treat me like how i deserve. if you want to make me happy (with me or with someone else) just don't end up like him. begging him to be better. she came to see him because maybe she's realized that the other guy wasn't good enough and she's realizing, even though she's devastated and heartbroken, that this guy is someone that will treat her right. I love it because it shows that even though she's been treated badly and has reason to lose all hope and faith in guys and what they have to offer, she still finds hope in this one that she goes to. she's been around "bad" long enough and she wants to be with some "good" and she knows that he could be it. she has the faith that he can be the one that doesn't leave her in shambles. it is of hope. don't be unhappy. you'll make me happy if there's just one guy out there who isn't like the rest.

Pray Your Heart Out

Can I just say how much I appreciate the ability we have to pray? I just love it. I love just saying everything I want to say, anything I'm feeling or thinking. All the bad stuff that goes through my mind that makes life sad, and all the great amazing things that happen to me everyday that I sometimes neglect to recognize. Knowing that at any time - even if I'm in class, at a friends house, walking on campus, or just in the comfort of my own bedroom - that I have someone right there with me that I can talk to. I don't have to have something interesting to say, I can just say what I'm feeling. I can say thank you for giving me such a wonderful fulfilling life. I can beg forgiveness for mistakes I've made. I can ask for things that I want - my deepest desires. And I can also acknowledge that, while I may request many things and I may not be as grateful for some things as I should be, I want things to go according to His will and plan for me. And that, to me, is the hardest and yet most fulfilling thing. Because He does know everything and even when I'm being difficult, He will guide me to the path, even if it hurts or if I argue. I know that I have to let Him do it because He knows best and, well, I want Him to.

So, there's my little shout out for praying. Never underestimate the power of communication - the power of communication with the most important person in our lives.

A Lonely September by Plain White T's

I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind, no

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
That you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
And the more I want you here with me

You know the holidays are coming up
I don't wanna spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
Will just kill me if I'm on my own, oh

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
We just can't seem to get it right
But what I woundn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone
It's not gettin' me very far
I look around my room and eveything I see reminds of you
Oh, please, baby, won't you take my hand?
We've got nothing left to prove

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
When we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
The way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back
Cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

Look

Just in case you forget that life is worth living...

it is in fact worth it.

It's not impossible,

even though it may seem so.

It may seem like nothing good is happening,

or that you will never find happiness

or that no one will ever love you,

or that you have failed yourself.

Well look around you,

at your roommates, your friends, your parents.

Do they love you?

Yes, yes they do.

And they think you are worth it,

and they KNOW that you can do it.

And most importantly,

your Heavenly Father KNOWS that you can do it,

and dang it, He WANTS you to do it.

I would like to say, don't you go and let Him down,

and I would be right, you shouldn't.

But.

Really I want to say,

don't you dare let yourself down.

Don't you dare.

Why?

I read on MSN today of two (yes, two!) shootings that took place this week (one in Germany and one in Alabama). The man in Germany killed 15 people I think, at a school, and the man in Alabama killed 11 people, a lot of them family.

First of all, how can someone kill another person? How? I mean, I guess if it was a serious life or death situation, I could understand. But to just kill someone innocent or someone you don't even know? Why? Why kill someone who has done nothing to you? I just don't get how you can take away another person's life. And not only their life, but what about everyone who needs that person? family, friends, what about their lives now? What is a four month old going to do without her mother? What is her father going to do without his beloved wife? And they are gone for what? Because some unstable person decided he would have some fun with a deadly weapon for no apparent reason?

Secondly, why? I know a lot of these people have some sort of mental problem. But really, I think it all leads from depression. Most of these people were seen as good members of society - good people even. But what happens when good people get depressed? They lose control. Nothing makes sense anymore. They are miserable, and misery does not breed good people. I in no way think these are excuses for what these people do. If you're having a problem, well, do something about it - something good. Never pick up a gun or any sort of weapon when your depressed. Because you might just make the biggest mistake of your life. It's no wonder they kill themselves afterward. How could you do something so terrible - the worst possible sin even - and face yourself? They're cowards.

Every time I hear about one of these shootings I go through so many emotions. I think the most prominent one is fear. Initially of course you think, well that won't ever happen to me. I'm a good person and I don't know any crazies that would do anything like that. Well, first - that's what everyone says about those people who go on killing sprees, that they are "good people who would never do anything like that". And second, you don't have to know the person. They will shoot at you whether they know you or not. And they could come anywhere. They can come to your college, in your class, where you're eating lunch. They know no time or place.

The second emotion would have to be sorrow. All those people who were killed had lives - they had friends and family. They had people who loved them and those that they loved. And now they're gone. It's just so unfair.

I know that Heavenly Father is there every time, though, welcoming his children back who were wrongfully taken from Earth. And that's why the gospel is so important. Especially to prevent things like this. I would hope that we as Latter Day Saints have been taught well by our parents and that we know how to handle ourselves in such ways that we really would never go to such lengths. It certainly gives some perspective on life.

Down

I don't want to focus on the past. I want to be able to look to the future. And not only just look to the future, but look to the future and be excited for it. To be happy about what my future holds. I think right now I'm just really caught up in the present and what I want things to be. What I wish things were like. But I think I'm really realizing that another person can't make me happy. Of course people help make life better and make happy times in life. But when it comes down to it, when you are all alone as you lie down to bed, no one can make you love your life. It has to be from you. Inside of you there has to be something that makes you happy. Just happy as a person. Just content to be you. And to know who you are. Sometimes I wonder if I know who I am. If I am happy. I like to rely on other people's happiness to make me happy. And I know that it's not a bad thing, but what happens when those people are happy on their own and they don't "need" me to help them anymore? I feel kind of helpless. I like feeling needed. I'm not saying that you don't need people. Because we need people; I 100% agree with that. But not when it gets extreme. Not when you rely wholeheartedly on how your actions effect someone else and makes them happy and don't pay attention on what you need to be happy - on what another person could/should be doing to help you in your life. I think I gravitate towards those kinds of people and I don't know how to stop. Or rather, I don't know what I need, I guess. I keep waiting for someone to find me who knows just what I need and just who I am. But I'm pretty sure the only person with that capability is Heavenly Father. And that scares me, I'm not going to lie. But it also makes me feel very secure because I know that when I am able to go to him when I feel utterly depleted, He will be there to, if nothing else, comfort me. Because He knows what I can do and the paths I should take. He, of all people, knows exactly who I am and what I need. It's so weird to think that someone knows you better than you do. Not like a mom or a best friend does (because they most likely do), but more than that. He knows your every desire and every thought. He can see what you will become. And most importantly, He loves you and wants so so badly for you to come to Him - to come back to Him. And sometimes the greatest thing you can do is confront that fear of the unknown and just let Him take control of your life. But maybe I thrive on that fear too much to let it go just yet...

Maybe I shouldn't post this....maybe it's a little too much information about myself to be so readily available to anyone who wants to read it. I just haven't had a good morning and I needed to get it out of my system.