Down

I don't want to focus on the past. I want to be able to look to the future. And not only just look to the future, but look to the future and be excited for it. To be happy about what my future holds. I think right now I'm just really caught up in the present and what I want things to be. What I wish things were like. But I think I'm really realizing that another person can't make me happy. Of course people help make life better and make happy times in life. But when it comes down to it, when you are all alone as you lie down to bed, no one can make you love your life. It has to be from you. Inside of you there has to be something that makes you happy. Just happy as a person. Just content to be you. And to know who you are. Sometimes I wonder if I know who I am. If I am happy. I like to rely on other people's happiness to make me happy. And I know that it's not a bad thing, but what happens when those people are happy on their own and they don't "need" me to help them anymore? I feel kind of helpless. I like feeling needed. I'm not saying that you don't need people. Because we need people; I 100% agree with that. But not when it gets extreme. Not when you rely wholeheartedly on how your actions effect someone else and makes them happy and don't pay attention on what you need to be happy - on what another person could/should be doing to help you in your life. I think I gravitate towards those kinds of people and I don't know how to stop. Or rather, I don't know what I need, I guess. I keep waiting for someone to find me who knows just what I need and just who I am. But I'm pretty sure the only person with that capability is Heavenly Father. And that scares me, I'm not going to lie. But it also makes me feel very secure because I know that when I am able to go to him when I feel utterly depleted, He will be there to, if nothing else, comfort me. Because He knows what I can do and the paths I should take. He, of all people, knows exactly who I am and what I need. It's so weird to think that someone knows you better than you do. Not like a mom or a best friend does (because they most likely do), but more than that. He knows your every desire and every thought. He can see what you will become. And most importantly, He loves you and wants so so badly for you to come to Him - to come back to Him. And sometimes the greatest thing you can do is confront that fear of the unknown and just let Him take control of your life. But maybe I thrive on that fear too much to let it go just yet...

Maybe I shouldn't post this....maybe it's a little too much information about myself to be so readily available to anyone who wants to read it. I just haven't had a good morning and I needed to get it out of my system.