Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

have you recieved a priesthood blessing recently? if not, you probably should. because, in case you forgot, they're

AMAZING

growing up i didn't really ever get blessings, because, well, circumstances just didn't really allow it. but now that i have home teachers and worthy guy friends and even more recently, a step-dad who is able and more than willing, i've realized how much i really love them.

because, to me, there is nothing more peaceful and loving than to get a blessing. i've never walked away from one feeling less than fulfilled. it never fails that something is said that i absolutely needed to hear. and usually it's when i'm getting a blessing for another reason. but Heavenly Father always slips in something else that He knows i need to hear. He's amazing like that.

not enough

how can you love someone. but not want to be with them? how can you say, "I love you". without wanting more?

sometimes love just isn't enough. sometimes you can love someone with all you have, but it doesn't change anything.

of course you could say, maybe the other person doesn't feel the same way. but what about when that isn't the case? what about when you both feel that love? maybe then it's not really love, but some mixture of comfort and lust and obsession.

but even so. how can you feel that way and not take action? how can you feel so close to someone. yet so far away. maybe it's fear. fear of the absolute. because in the end, love is absolute. loving someone isn't something we choose to do. it creeps its way into our souls. and taking responsibility for that love is taking a leap into the unknown.

so, sometimes it's easier to run. refuse to believe your heart. hide. and run. but why run from the possibility of love? of happiness? why not be with the one you love?

and why say the words if you don't mean it? if you don't want more?

maybe it's knowledge. that it just wouldn't work. it would be harmful to want more. because sometimes love just isn't enough. but you say it anyway.

"i love you"

because you want it to be enough.

Muddled

Have you ever done something that you knew you would regret? That you knew could change everything? Ruin what you want, what you know is good for you. But for some reason your mind checks out and you find yourself in the exact position you were trying to avoid.

I feel nauseous and I can't think straight. Everything is muddled. I'm scared. For my life. For my heart. For my sanity.

I'm scared that I'm becoming a person I don't know. That I'm going to make choices that I shouldn't make. That I want to make, but shouldn't. I'm being selfish. So very selfish. I always care so much about other people, how my decisions will effect them. Anything to avoid hurting them. Just make everyone happy. But I've faltered. I made the choice to forget about everyone else. Is this what it feels like to rebel? To do something without considering the consequences?

I'm sorry. I'm so so so very sorry. For letting you down. You don't even know that I've betrayed you. Betrayed your trust. Betrayed your idea of who I am. I told you I was strong. Stronger because of you. And I am. But I forgot. I forgot how weak I really am.

So weak it scares me.

Letting Go

I think I'm finally starting to let go of him. I think things are more and more starting to click out of place. To "unbutton" if you will. Until I hope someday soon I can remove it all together. The memory of him. The memory that has wrapped itself around a part of my heart like a web, taking it hostage. Whatever it is that has me holding on, its grasp is releasing. I can feel it. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm finally realizing what I really want. What I really want for my future. What love really means. How much time I'm wasting by trying to keep parts of my past in the present.

I'm finding better things to hold onto. A better person that is worth keeping memories with. Maybe he's too far away to be a reality, but he feels so close in my mind. But maybe someday, we can finally be in the same place, and we'll never have to let go. He'll have my whole heart and I'll have his. But for now, I'll just have to keep picking at the web around my heart until it releases completely and I can have it all to myself. Then I can give it all to the one who deserves it, instead of the sliver he holds now, all i could give.

I broke down when he left me. And I let him leave my life. But the place I let him occupy in my heart has lived on, hardening as if it was there to stay. No more. Now I'm breaking down the place he's held in my life, in my heart. Bit by bit the pieces are falling. It hurts, but a good hurt. The hurt of letting go. And because of it, I've found that there truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Little Burst

Do you ever get little bursts of happiness?

Sometimes there's a reason, like getting good news or talking to someone you like. But sometimes there is no reason.

Just sitting at my desk at work, writing an email, and - jolt - little burst of happiness for some unexplained reason. It's just, happiness. Like, yay for life. Everything's good, even if just for a moment, for it doesn't always last long.

That's why it's a burst.

Missing Connections

There's a place on craigslist.com where you can post about missing connections. write to random people you saw that made you turn your head. Like a guy sees an attractive girl on the subway everyday but has never spoken to her. So he writes on this site, expressing his interest. Some of it is pretty funny. Some of it is really sweet. But it got me thinking. And here's what I would write.

Dear missing connection,

I wish I could make you happy. I wish you could see what things could be like if we were together. It would be amazing. We could do great things. You don't see that, though, do you? I can see you're sad. You pretend not to be. You put on a pretty good front actually. You fool a lot of people. But not me. I can see right through that facade. I see the hurt inside. I see the fear. That you might actually find happiness after the misery you've experienced thus far. I see how you trick people into thinking you've let them in. I see how hard you strive to be the person you think you should be. It makes me sad. To see you like this. Because I see all you can be. In just a glance. It's almost funny to me that no one else can see it, not even you. But I can. I wish you could. I wish you could see all you can be. I wish you could want what I want for you. I wish I could tell you everything I'm thinking and all I think of you. I have so much to tell you. But I can't. I think, if only I could tell you. Everything would change. You would let me in. You would find that happiness you are searching for. And I could be there with you to discover it. To watch you find what you're looking for. But. That's the thing about my thoughts. They're not real.

But if, someday, you decide you would like to hear what I have to say. To finally be vulnerable enough to see what I see. To stop being so scared to let me in. Find me. Come find me. I'll be the one in the back. The one you've ignored all this time.

Sometimes You Leave

Sometimes I get so caught up in one thing. Be it a person, a goal, or even a moment in my life. I forget that I don't have to stay caught up in it. I can leave. I can put aside everything going on in my mind about the subject, and focus on something else. Something that gives me more hope and happiness. Sometimes I can't change things. Sometimes I get caught up in my future - about what will happen and when - and I can't change that. I can make decisions that lead me in certain directions, but I can't change the future. I have to wait until it happens.

And I certainly can't change people. That's a tough one. Because sometimes - well, a lot of times - I wish I could change people. Change what they're doing, what they want. But that just isn't possible. Influence is definitely possible, but not a guarantee.

I get so frustrated sometimes when things don't happen how I want. But. I know that I can leave. And sometimes that is the only thing I can do. Leave the dreariness and focus on the happiness. Walk away from that person. that thought. that dream. There are better things out there for me, and I want to find them.