can't let go

Have you ever had someone that you just couldn't let go of? No matter how hard you try, they still inherit some part of you.

I've tried so hard to let someone go. Well, I'll be honest. I haven't tried my hardest. I haven't done everything I could do. But that's because deep down I don't want to let him go. I know it's probably not healthy to hold on to someone who no longer cares to be in your life. But is it really that bad if I'm okay with that fact? I just like the memory of them lingering in my mind. Ok, it is that bad, maybe worse. Because that memory - all the memories - are holding me back. Holding me back from letting someone else in. This song, Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg, is exactly how I feel about it. "without lifting a finger you're holding me back" I just can't fully move on yet. I'm not stuck in the past, I'm not still hung up on him. I've moved on. I want other things, other people, in my life. And I've succeeded in that, and it makes me happy. But, there are certain things I just don't want to let go of yet. And I don't know when I'll be able to - maybe never. Maybe something needs to happen for me to fully sweep it from my mind.

I know the reality. I'm not living every day thinking about him; it's getting more and more rare that I do. I don't know why I want to keep him around. I like the memories. Well, the good ones. And it's not that I wish I was still with him. And if I ever do think that, reality thankfully creeps in and I remember all the reasons I shouldn't want such things. I guess it's the hopeless romantic still hovering around inside me. Wanting to believe in something I know isn't good for me, but still hoping that things could be different.

I know it doesn't make any sense. Not me, and certainly not to anyone else. To them, he is dirt; lower than that probably. But to me.....to me, he was everything. I would have done anything for him. And I still would. It makes me mad sometimes, the devotion I still hold for someone who has hurt me so badly so many times.

That doesn't really answer why letting go seems so impossible. It's weird how a single song can spawn so many thoughts.



I've decided to put music on here, so that if you're reading and would like to actually listen to what I'm talking about, you can.

On and On

This song. On and On by Mat Kearney. It got me thinking. About life. About love. About what I hope for and dream about. About what I want and what it is going to take to get me there. What I am going to go through in order to get to a place where I can finally be united with a love so great it will change the meaning of life as I know it. How are we going to see this through? This man and I, how will we see this through until we find each other? It's not going to be easy. Because nothing worth anything ever goes down easy. We'll keep on climbing until we find the other side. Until we find each other. And if there's one thing I know for sure, is that I love you. I already know that I'm in love with you. I may not even know you, never met or seen you in my life. You may someone I talk to regularly, a friend I haven't fully noticed just yet. But I love you just the same. I can feel it. Some days I feel as if I will burst from the love contained in my heart that is saved just for you. So find me. And I will pray, on and on I will pray, that tomorrow will be that brighter day, the day you find me. I won't care if you're nervous. I'll be nervous too. I won't care if you're scared, because I'll be scared too. Just don't be too scared to love me or you'll break my heart before you open your mouth. I won't care if you don't think you're good enough, because I already know you are. But mostly, I won't care about all the things I had to go through, because all the roads led me back to you...

If tonight is your last train out of here
How you going to run like that?
How you going to run like that?

If there's one life, and one love left here to share
How you going to turn your back?
How you going to turn your back?

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

If there's one thing that I need to hear from you
Is how we going to see this through?
How we going to see this through?

If there's one thing that I know to be true
Is that I'm in love with you
Is that I'm in love with you

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

And we'll keep on keep on climbing
On down this narrow line
So we can see the other side
The other side

On and on and on we pray
That we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go
Though I don't understand this winding road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

Goes down easy
Goes down easy
Goes down easy
Goes down easy

My December by Linkin Park

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

it's not "goodbye", it's "see you later"

I hate the sound that goodbye's make. I really do. Every time I think of leaving, it almost makes me cry. I love the people here. I feel like I'm at home. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I know of course I'll see everyone again soon, but it's just not the same. I'm afraid I'll go home and I won't find myself nearly as happy as I've been here. I guess this place has been like an escape for me. I got to escape life for a bit. my family, my friends (the few that stayed), my job, ex-boyfriends, drama. I got to forget about everything that was going on and just come here and relax. I've been thinking about my life and what I really want out of it. What I really deserve. I feel so confused right now. I'm scared of coming home. I'm scared of what that will mean. Of what will happen. Not that I think anything bad will happen, I just......I don't know how to explain it. I just feel in limbo. I like it here. Things make sense here. I can think clearly. Everything is new here and I like it. I like not having all the old stuff to wade through when I'm in Utah, trying so hard to get through to the new stuff, but somehow still getting bogged down by everything else. I'm afraid I'll come home and go back to the old stuff. I'll forget the progress I've made the person I've become. It's sounds impossible, but I'm scared it will happen. I'm not the same person I was when I left, I know that for sure. And I'm so grateful that that is the case. People here make sure I show who I really am and stick to it. Maybe because they haven't know me my whole life. They just know the me now, not the me then. Even though sometimes I get picked on, I know it's not because they're questioning me or judging me. Sometimes, because I've been in the same place for so many years and I've known the same people for all those years, I feel like I need to stay that person, like I need to reform myself when I'm with them, can't be my "changed" self because maybe they won't understand. Not that I'm all different in a drastic way, just in little ways. But that's how I've always felt. I like feeling included, wanted, really part of a family - a whole family. It doesn't feel messy like it does back home.

Thoughts from a Girl

do you ever feel like you're just ready to be in a relationship. Like, you could totally be committed and be in love and be a girlfriend or wife or even mother. But then the next minute you're like, no, i don't want that quite yet. I don't want all the drama or stress or anxiety that comes with a new relationship, or any relationship really. Last time was just so hard that i'm kind of avoiding anything that even relates to such a thing. i don't want to get hurt again. i don't want to keep getting let down. i don't want to have expectations that just end up getting crushed. and i am not willing to lower or change my expectations, and i'm not sure how willing i am yet to open those up with another guy. it takes a lot to open up and let yourself go and i put so much into it last time. i tried to stay true to what i wanted, but somehow, as always, i let it fall slightly and i just don't know if i'm up to making expectations for someone so that i can get what i really deserve. and since i'm so shaky about it, i'm afraid that if something new does start, that i won't be strong enough or care enough to enforce what i want, and i know that that will only lead to heartache. so....while sometimes i really want to be married or in a relationship, i have to remember the state i'm really in and remind myself that, while those things are good, they should never be rushed into. just because all my friends are married doesn't mean that i should go latch onto the first guy i see. because, let's face it, married survival rate is like 50%. and i do not want to take any chances on starting something that won't last for eternity. it honestly (no matter how much i hate it sometimes) is worth it to me to wait for however long it takes to find a husband that i will be with forever than to get married right now to someone who isn't right for me. i know that i will be an amazing wife. and i know that the man i marry will be amazing as well and that when we get together, great things will happen.

Unhappy by Thriving Ivory

She takes her clothes off and she says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I don't remember what I said, is it alright?

Well she's gone when I awake
Left a letter, saying everything was a mistake
And I'm alone, but it's alright
'Cause I understand, I could tell everything's not fine
It's never alright to push away, I'm not as blind as you may think
And I'm tired of all that is
And I know that this time it's not all in my head

You look a little unhappy, 'bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

It's just another day it's cold
And I'm losin' myself inside
The colors on the wall, are all fading
And all that's left is a hope for another day
That's not cold again, and it's a shame

You look a little unhappy, bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

Must have been around midnight, There's a ghost at the door
She said please go slowly, cause we've all been here before
She takes her clothes off and she says
Is it alright if I stay the night?
I don't remember what I said, is it alright?
And I know that this time it's not all in my head

You look a little unhappy, bout the way the world is turning
Is there anything I could do to take your mind off
Your troubled hearted kind? And she said maybe, just maybe
You won't end up like him

Ok, I love this song. I think that it's about a girl who has broken up with a guy that wasn't good to her, so she goes to seek comfort with a good guy friend that maybe she's seeing in a different light. he asks her what he can do to help her and the only thing she says is, "maybe you won't end up like him". Like saying, if you do anything, make sure you aren't like that guy. he wasn't good and didn't treat her right. so be better than him. treat me (or whomever) better than he did. Treat me like how i deserve. if you want to make me happy (with me or with someone else) just don't end up like him. begging him to be better. she came to see him because maybe she's realized that the other guy wasn't good enough and she's realizing, even though she's devastated and heartbroken, that this guy is someone that will treat her right. I love it because it shows that even though she's been treated badly and has reason to lose all hope and faith in guys and what they have to offer, she still finds hope in this one that she goes to. she's been around "bad" long enough and she wants to be with some "good" and she knows that he could be it. she has the faith that he can be the one that doesn't leave her in shambles. it is of hope. don't be unhappy. you'll make me happy if there's just one guy out there who isn't like the rest.

Pray Your Heart Out

Can I just say how much I appreciate the ability we have to pray? I just love it. I love just saying everything I want to say, anything I'm feeling or thinking. All the bad stuff that goes through my mind that makes life sad, and all the great amazing things that happen to me everyday that I sometimes neglect to recognize. Knowing that at any time - even if I'm in class, at a friends house, walking on campus, or just in the comfort of my own bedroom - that I have someone right there with me that I can talk to. I don't have to have something interesting to say, I can just say what I'm feeling. I can say thank you for giving me such a wonderful fulfilling life. I can beg forgiveness for mistakes I've made. I can ask for things that I want - my deepest desires. And I can also acknowledge that, while I may request many things and I may not be as grateful for some things as I should be, I want things to go according to His will and plan for me. And that, to me, is the hardest and yet most fulfilling thing. Because He does know everything and even when I'm being difficult, He will guide me to the path, even if it hurts or if I argue. I know that I have to let Him do it because He knows best and, well, I want Him to.

So, there's my little shout out for praying. Never underestimate the power of communication - the power of communication with the most important person in our lives.