be happy

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

-Jonathan Safran Foer

Know This

My dear Mr. husband,

I wish I could tell you I am going to be the perfect wife. I wish I could tell you that we will laugh always and never cry or want for more. But that wouldn't be real. I'm scared. You should know that too. It used to be that the thought of marriage made me smile and was something I thought about every day. But now. Well, now the thought of marriage makes me squirm a little. I'm scared of falling so hard, expecting your loving arms to catch me, but hitting the ground instead, shattering into a million pieces. That you'll assure me of your love and commitment, but that, for whatever reason (of which I will always blame myself), you leave. You don't know the mess that would be left of me if that were to happen.

But I'd like to think that I'll have the faith in you and in our love that those thoughts won't need to be addressed. I'm going to love you so strongly that without you, my life will seem empty. Somedays I might not want to leave the house. I'll just want to stay home with you, doing whatever we want, as long as we're together. Of course there'll be times when I'll want you as far away from me as possible, but I hope those won't last long.

When things get bad, and trust me, they will, I'm going to want you there, to hold my hand, to run your fingers up and down my back to calm me down. After a bad conversation with my parents, I'm going to want you standing there, so you can hold me until the tears stop.

I'm difficult. But I'm worth it. I promise. I will make our life together the happiest you'll ever know. I'll be worth every fight. Every tear. Every slammed door. I'll be worth it. Because I am worth it. And if you don't know that, then you aren't my husband. And I'm not going to marry you.

love.

why i love clothes

"The most beautiful clothes that can dress a woman are the arms of the man she loves. But for those who haven't had the fortune of finding this happiness, I am there.”
-Yves Saint Laurent (YSL)

when sorry isn't enough...

...what else is there?

what else can you say to make it all better?

I'm sorry. I wish it was enough.

in a rush

I don't want to wait any longer. I feel so impatient lately. I just want things to start happening. I know I have to do the work, but, sometimes I feel like I've done enough work. I know how good I am. I'm good enough to get everything I want. I just want it now. I hate waiting. I hate wondering. I'm done. Just give me what I want. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I know that that's just how life is. But I would just like to put life on hold for a while. To put it aside so that I can regroup. Get things in order. Get what I want. Vacations make me think too much. It scares me to think so much. Because I always realize how unhappy I really am. Well, not unhappy really. Because I'm not unhappy. More just, I realize what I don't have. What I want but what I can't seem to reach. I guess I just need to suck it up and get moving. Get working on my life. So that I really can get what I want. Because I know life won't just happen. I have to make it happen. But for these few minutes, I would just like to pretend. Pretend that life can be everything I want it to be.

can't take it

I've never felt so relieved and so hurt at the same time. I don't know which emotion to focus on. The relief mostly. that things are finally put to rest. Finally taken care of. I didn't choose the outcome. It's one I never would have chosen. One that broke my heart. But something had to happen. And so I'll take whatever outcome is necessary to make things get better. Because being stuck in a state of question. of confusion and frustration. It's been driving me crazy. this inner turmoil. It's not as bad as I remember. But the relief is the same. It's funny how two very different situations can have the same feelings. Letting go definitely feels the same. It hurts. I guess it's not really letting go this time though. This time it's watching them let go. I don't know which is worse. I hope against hope that they don't really let go. That they come back. maybe I shouldn't be that forgiving. But someone so close deserves as many chances as they need.

I tried to do the right thing. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. That was my choice. But I can't choose for everyone. Just like they can't choose for me. All the many times I've tried to control other people. Make them choose what I want. But never succeeding. Now I know what it really feels like. And I couldn't stand for it. Not anymore. I can't try to make everyone happy anymore. It's too hard. I lose myself trying to please everyone. It's not worth it to me anymore. to lose myself. I can make my own choices. Not everyone has to agree. It hurts. To think that someone chose what I so desperately didn't want them to choose.

But. I'm relieved the point was reached. I'm glad I reached it. And I'm proud of myself for that.

a moment

i was sitting in class today, when it came. a brief passing of the only evidence of you that could ever find me: your smell.

immediately tears tried to escape. not because of sadness. but because that is how my body remembers to react to you.

in that very short moment, a million feelings. a million images. filled my mind. i was suspended. i couldn't breathe. couldn't concentrate. it was the perfect summation of "us". if only that was all i had to experience.

it happened so suddenly, i barely had time to catch myself. for as soon as you were there, you were gone. and oh how grateful i was that you were.

for everything about you suffocates me.