Bittersweet Life

die for

2012-02-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

in my heart

2011-12-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

love

2011-12-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

live to the point

2011-11-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

live to the point of tears.
- albert camus

the kind of tears that both
break your heart
and fill you with joy

all will fail

2011-10-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

like this

2011-10-19T10:24:00.001-07:00

i'd walk to you

2011-10-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

crumpled

2011-10-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

it's amazing to me how someone can love another whose heart has been crumpled. they're heart will never be the same. but somehow, love can mend that poor heart. they can flatten it out, try to remove the creases. but they will never go away. the divots won't be there, but the creases that recall those divots will remain forever. some may say that those permanent creases make someone not worth loving, because they have been tainted. but those very creases. they symbolize heartache that stemmed from a powerful love, this is true. but they also symbolize strength.

and no one wants to love or be loved without those heart wrenching experiences that gave them that strength within themselves to be able to love again. to be able to be loved again. i used to despise those creases. how dare they taint the new life i want. the love i wish to have. how dare they be there always to remind me of what once used to be. but now. now i cherish those creases. because without them, i wouldn't be able to do any of those things i wanted. there is no way i would be able to have this "new" life and there is, above all, no way i would have to the love that i deserve. you can't judge the bad of someone's life, because it gave them the ability to be who they are today.

erasing

2011-09-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

i want you to follow

2011-09-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

over 6 billion

2011-09-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

becomes one

2011-08-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

"One is not born a woman;

one becomes one".

-Simone de Beauvoir 1973.

because it is worth every moment

2011-07-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

bud

2011-07-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud, was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-anais nin

they do pay attention

2011-07-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

in your arms

2011-07-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

millions and millions of years

would still not give me half enough time

to describe that tiny instant of all eternity

when you put your arms around me

and i put my arms around you.

jacques prevert

can make her do anything

2011-07-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
marilyn monroe

only you can hear

2011-06-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

you don't love a person for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.

oscar wilde

safe and

2011-06-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

the rest

2011-06-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

when i am with you

2011-05-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

to be silly

2011-04-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

by loving

2011-03-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

and even after

2011-01-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

cling

2011-01-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

let go. why do you cling to pain? there is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. it is not yours to judge. why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-leo buscaglia

i need to let go of some pain. words that i still can't believe were spoken. again and again. some people refuse to lift the disapproval from your choices. refuse to believe that maybe i do know just how to find the happiness they insist i will never get. perhaps they forget what it means to unconditionally love.
it hurts my heart. and my soul. i want to fight back. so badly. but also i want to just let it all go. i can do nothing to change the minds of others. and i can't try any longer. so you believe what you will.
all i want is to live my life. and you to live yours.

love is

2011-01-04T21:55:00.000-08:00

words

2010-12-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

words are the by far the worst way of communication. what can you say with words to really express how you feel?

nothing.

explain to me what love is.

see, you can't.

there are no words to adequately express what the feeling

"love" is. you can try all you want, but you'll never be able to truly grasp the meaning. and so it goes with every word. you can't describe how a pear tastes with words. meg ryan tried describing it to nicolas cage once, and she failed miserably. words can explain a lot, yes, but can you really express how you're feeling when your whole world is collapsing around you? or when you can feel your life finally turning into all that you wanted?

so when i say i love you. or i miss you. those words. those "signs". are not what i mean. because my words. your words. while wonderful and sweet, mean nothing

unless they are followed by feelings.

by actions that surpass

anything a word could ever mean

like new batteries

2010-12-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

"she wants to know if i love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet."

extremely loud and incredibly close

tell yourself

2010-12-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

by all means paint

2010-12-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

“If you hear a voice, within you say ‘you cannot paint', then by all means paint,

and that voice will be silenced.”

–Vincent Van Gogh

complete

2010-12-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

after being hurt before, i made a point to steer clear of complete dependence on another person. but this isn't desperate dependence. this is wonderful independent dependence. because i am complete without you. but you make me so much better.

you complete me beyond completion.

running

2010-12-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

don't regret

2010-11-29T19:31:00.000-08:00

is simply not

2010-11-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." -- Albert Einstein

alive

2010-11-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

We are unusual and tragic and alive.

- a heartbreaking work of staggering  genius by dave eggers

just do something

2010-10-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

“In any moment of decision

the best thing you can do

is the right thing.

The next best thing

is the wrong thing,

and the worst thing you can do

is nothing.”

–Theodore Roosevelt

just love her

2010-10-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

so mad

2010-10-16T22:36:00.001-07:00

all the difference

2010-09-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

i found out yesterday
that i can't function without you.
my mind and body literally don't know how to work
without hearing your voice.

at first i was worried. i couldn't focus on anything.
but then i heard your voice,
and everything seemed normal again.
i could function.

i can see your words, and know that you love me,
but there's something about talking to you (even if only for a few moments)
that makes all the difference in the world.

then you were there

2010-09-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

and life hasn't been the same since.

it's been so much better.

don't forget me

2010-08-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

I know it's totally irrational, but 

most days...

2010-08-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

you make me feel like the luckiest girl alive

for being so incredibly loved

you really are the best thing

that has ever happened to my life.

somehow,

everyday,

i fall even more in love with the man of my dreams.

i love

2010-08-20T14:34:00.000-07:00

mr. husband,

i love getting unexpected calls from you just to say that you miss me. and that you love me. and that living without me just wouldn't be a life worth living. those calls are the best.

i also love when you come home with a little surprise, like flowers, or my favorite candy, or tickets to a movie, or a weekend getaway.

and most of all i love when you want to spend time with me. because work is good and friends are great, but you and me time is your most favorite of all. and that's why i married you.

loves

just because it would make me smile

2010-08-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

dear mr. husband,

can you please make it a priority to sweep me off my feet

at least on a regular basis?

oh, and can our love please last forever?

loves

wings to fly

2010-08-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

when you come to the edge of all that you know,

you must believe one of two things:

there will be earth upon which to stand,

or you will be given wings to fly.

-unknown

just, don't go

2010-08-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

always

2010-08-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Still

2010-08-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

you still give me butterflies
you still make me smile, even when i try my hardest not to
you still know how to calm me down
you still make me laugh
you still help me remember what this life is all about
you still are my most favorite person
you still say the cheesiest things
you still are my best friend
you still are the one i tell everything to
you still are the one person i can be honest with about anything
you still are the first thing on my mind in the morning
you still make life so much better
you still let me be myself
you still know how to drive me crazy
you still give me the benefit of the doubt
you still let me act like a dork
you still make me happier than I ever dreamed I would be
you still take care of me
you still make me fall more in love with you every day
and most of all,

you still love me

12 months is only the beginning

of a life full of fun, love, and happiness

for real

2010-07-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

i read (stalk) her blog and i couldn't help but snatch this

you alone

2010-07-14T13:51:00.001-07:00

*you alone are enough.
you have nothing to prove to anybody*

- maya angelou

nothing

2010-07-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

and oh how i do

Here

2010-07-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

There's a place I've been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

And I'd retrieve all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

adjust

2010-06-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Adjusting to real life after so many weeks of adventure is not pleasant.

In fact I wish I was still away, exploring the world

instead of here, at "home".

It really would be home if you were here (and soon you will be).
When you're with me anywhere is home.

For now I'm trying to find some semblance of belonging

in a place I was so happy to escape.

tricky

2010-04-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

today you called me. i couldn't answer.
so you texted me. you were in an accident, but you'd love me forever.
i quickly called you back.

were you ok? hurt? alive?

of course you were.
there was no accident.

you just wanted to hear my voice.

it was tricky, yes, but so very adorable.
I don't know why you love me, but never stop.

just because

2010-04-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

when we are together

2010-04-11T23:01:00.000-07:00

a girl can never hear it enough

2010-04-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

destruct

2010-04-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling self-destructive lately.
nearly ruining my most precious parts of life.

i can't figure out why.
and that's the part that hurts the most.

maybe it's too much of a good thing.
and my mind just can't comprehend that things could be this good.

maybe i'm just testing the waters.
seeing how far i can go until i'm too much. too much for anyone to handle.

because i still can't believe that i can really be happy. that i really deserve to be happy.

sometimes it's easier to be mad
than sad.
or happy.

but then again, i always forget,
that letting yourself find happiness
is always easier than making yourself miserable

I

2010-03-30T18:17:00.001-07:00

you

reach

2010-03-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

We are so very close, closer than i ever thought possible. closer day by day.
And yet, we're always left reaching. from two different lands. that don't quite touch.
The separation won't last forever. that's what keeps me going.
Someday we'll finally reach each other.

none

2010-03-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

catch you

2010-03-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

sometimes Disney says it all...

2010-02-25T18:43:00.000-08:00

maybe love really can be that simple

miss you

2010-02-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

You hold my heart.

I know it's safe with you...

but it doesn't help this feeling

of missing you so much
it hurts.

and it was so worth it

2010-02-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

a lot

2010-02-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

mr. husband,

if you ever come home
to see me

singing
and/or
dancing

in the kitchen,

don't be alarmed.
i just really love food.

A LOT.

so our hearts can be together

2010-02-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

dear mr. husband,

when we're married, can we live in the same place?

and not 600 miles away

that's not too much to ask is it?

i would appreciate it so very much

love.

you know

2010-02-08T17:58:00.000-08:00

you know you're in love

when the two of you fight

about who loves the other person more

next to you

2010-02-03T16:09:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning thinking of you. thinking you were right next to me. it was a wonderful feeling. blissful. i can't wait for the day when i open my eyes and see you really there, instead of a wall.

when life surprises you

2010-01-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

don't forget to smile.
the confusing things will get settled soon enough.
and you might be even more surprised at the results.
because they just may be the very thing
you were looking for

sometimes

2010-01-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to put up with hard things in life,

things that make you sad,
things that disappoint.
So that you can be happy.
And, as much as it just doesn't seem fair,
it's worth every moment
to feel a joy,
a love so strong,
that can't be denied.

And anyone who doesn't want you to have that,
may never want you to have it.
And you may have to move forward without them.
But sometimes,
that's what it takes.

be happy

2009-12-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

-Jonathan Safran Foer

Know This

2009-12-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

My dear Mr. husband,

I wish I could tell you I am going to be the perfect wife. I wish I could tell you that we will laugh always and never cry or want for more. But that wouldn't be real. I'm scared. You should know that too. It used to be that the thought of marriage made me smile and was something I thought about every day. But now. Well, now the thought of marriage makes me squirm a little. I'm scared of falling so hard, expecting your loving arms to catch me, but hitting the ground instead, shattering into a million pieces. That you'll assure me of your love and commitment, but that, for whatever reason (of which I will always blame myself), you leave. You don't know the mess that would be left of me if that were to happen.

But I'd like to think that I'll have the faith in you and in our love that those thoughts won't need to be addressed. I'm going to love you so strongly that without you, my life will seem empty. Somedays I might not want to leave the house. I'll just want to stay home with you, doing whatever we want, as long as we're together. Of course there'll be times when I'll want you as far away from me as possible, but I hope those won't last long.

When things get bad, and trust me, they will, I'm going to want you there, to hold my hand, to run your fingers up and down my back to calm me down. After a bad conversation with my parents, I'm going to want you standing there, so you can hold me until the tears stop.

I'm difficult. But I'm worth it. I promise. I will make our life together the happiest you'll ever know. I'll be worth every fight. Every tear. Every slammed door. I'll be worth it. Because I am worth it. And if you don't know that, then you aren't my husband. And I'm not going to marry you.

love.

why i love clothes

2009-12-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

"The most beautiful clothes that can dress a woman are the arms of the man she loves. But for those who haven't had the fortune of finding this happiness, I am there.”
-Yves Saint Laurent (YSL)

when sorry isn't enough...

2009-12-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

...what else is there?

what else can you say to make it all better?

I'm sorry. I wish it was enough.

in a rush

2009-11-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

I don't want to wait any longer. I feel so impatient lately. I just want things to start happening. I know I have to do the work, but, sometimes I feel like I've done enough work. I know how good I am. I'm good enough to get everything I want. I just want it now. I hate waiting. I hate wondering. I'm done. Just give me what I want. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I know that that's just how life is. But I would just like to put life on hold for a while. To put it aside so that I can regroup. Get things in order. Get what I want. Vacations make me think too much. It scares me to think so much. Because I always realize how unhappy I really am. Well, not unhappy really. Because I'm not unhappy. More just, I realize what I don't have. What I want but what I can't seem to reach. I guess I just need to suck it up and get moving. Get working on my life. So that I really can get what I want. Because I know life won't just happen. I have to make it happen. But for these few minutes, I would just like to pretend. Pretend that life can be everything I want it to be.

can't take it

2009-11-24T10:48:00.001-08:00

I've never felt so relieved and so hurt at the same time. I don't know which emotion to focus on. The relief mostly. that things are finally put to rest. Finally taken care of. I didn't choose the outcome. It's one I never would have chosen. One that broke my heart. But something had to happen. And so I'll take whatever outcome is necessary to make things get better. Because being stuck in a state of question. of confusion and frustration. It's been driving me crazy. this inner turmoil. It's not as bad as I remember. But the relief is the same. It's funny how two very different situations can have the same feelings. Letting go definitely feels the same. It hurts. I guess it's not really letting go this time though. This time it's watching them let go. I don't know which is worse. I hope against hope that they don't really let go. That they come back. maybe I shouldn't be that forgiving. But someone so close deserves as many chances as they need.

I tried to do the right thing. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. That was my choice. But I can't choose for everyone. Just like they can't choose for me. All the many times I've tried to control other people. Make them choose what I want. But never succeeding. Now I know what it really feels like. And I couldn't stand for it. Not anymore. I can't try to make everyone happy anymore. It's too hard. I lose myself trying to please everyone. It's not worth it to me anymore. to lose myself. I can make my own choices. Not everyone has to agree. It hurts. To think that someone chose what I so desperately didn't want them to choose.

But. I'm relieved the point was reached. I'm glad I reached it. And I'm proud of myself for that.

a moment

2009-11-10T17:25:00.001-08:00

i was sitting in class today, when it came. a brief passing of the only evidence of you that could ever find me: your smell.

immediately tears tried to escape. not because of sadness. but because that is how my body remembers to react to you.

in that very short moment, a million feelings. a million images. filled my mind. i was suspended. i couldn't breathe. couldn't concentrate. it was the perfect summation of "us". if only that was all i had to experience.

it happened so suddenly, i barely had time to catch myself. for as soon as you were there, you were gone. and oh how grateful i was that you were.

for everything about you suffocates me.

for cuteness

2009-11-05T12:15:00.000-08:00

This website is pretty awesome: mylifeisaverage.com. For example:

"Today, I was driving behind my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls over. I do the same and am utterly bewildered as he runs out of his car and pulls me out of mine. He then grabs my hand and we take off running.. and jumping into a giant pile of leaves he saw on the side of the road. I do believe I will be keeping him around."

for cuteness.

Missing Connection (continued)

2009-10-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

I saw you the other day. From a distance. You looked so happy. Not fake happy, but real happy. The kind I always wished for you. The kind you deserve. I hope it lasts. I'm so glad you've found your place in life. Even though it's not with me. Maybe especially because it's not with me. Yes it hurts sometimes to think of you being so happy with someone else. But mostly. Well, mostly I couldn't care less what you're doing now. Because I've found my own happiness. I don't dream of you anymore. Never actually.

I guess, for some last parting words. I would like to thank you. Thank you for letting me obsess over you for so long. It was so very painful. But that pain has turned into something beautiful. And without it. Without that experience. That process. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am now. And I don't think I could trade that for anything.

I think you'll always hold a small place in my heart. Only there to remind me of the person I've become. And the role you had in getting me there.

So, again, thank you. Thank you. And goodbye.

sad eyes

2009-10-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

mr. husband,

when i'm having a bad day, here are some pointers:

first and foremost, remind me how much you love me (if love is all we need, maybe i can make it through this)
you might think that you should say "all the right things", but all i really need is for you to tell me that everything will work out. that somehow, it will all be ok. that's all i need to hear.
a big hug. for as long as necessary. if i cry, let me.
buy me some chocolate. or ice cream. or both. and. just let me cuddle up to you on the couch and watch tv for an indefinite amount of time. i will want to forget everything for a while.
i know it's selfish, but don't talk to me about your day. as much as i love you, i'm not going going to care. let me get past the sulking stage, then i will want to hear about all the wonderful things you want to tell me :)
if you buy me some pizza or take me out to dinner, i'll cheer up much quicker. the way to my happiness is definitely through food.
listen. i know i'll say a lot of outrageous things. i'll be irrational. you don't have to respond, just be there to listen. you can think about football if you must (just don't let me know about it).

and also,

thank you

love

back to normal

2009-10-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

Isn't is so nice when things get back to some semblance of happiness?
Sometimes, even with life swirling around you, someone comes back
And gives you the chance to smile
It makes all the difference in the world.

peace

2009-10-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Last night as I lay in bed, a million things buzzed through my mind.

So, I said a little prayer.

Immediately my mind was cleared. And I fell asleep peacefully.

I forgot what that was like.

escape

2009-10-12T22:50:00.000-07:00

i want to run. as fast as i can. away from here. from everything i know. everything i love. everything i fear. especially from the fear. the pain. the heartache. i want to run away. forget everything. even if it means runnning from love. from happiness. there is too much taint in the good things. the two have melded too closely together. it's time to start over. start someplace where the two are distiguishable.

i'll return. after my heart has settled.

but now. now i want to escape. under the covers. in another bed. in another city. in another place entirely. where no one can make me feel anything. numb. i want to be numb while i escape. I want to run from the hard stuff. the stuff that makes me cry. that makes me question everything i know.

i want to run to happiness. into security. run into arms that will hold me. forever. where i can nuzzle up and stay for as long as i want. that reality has been slowly fading from my mind. how can i hope for something i have yet to deem possible?

Good Morning World

2009-10-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have days when things are just, good?

Today is going to be one of those days.

I can feel it.

facing life

2009-10-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

I feel so overwhelmed right now. mostly just in this moment. Like everything is trying to break me. one or two wrong turns are manageable, but too many wrong turns lead to utter destruction. Too many flashbacks. Too many lists. Too many feelings. Too many distractions. Too many thoughts. definitely too many thoughts. sometimes i wish my mind would just stop. stop bringing up everything that makes me sad. even if it means that i'm prolonging the inevitable. i can face life later. just not this moment.

Sometimes when things get like this, I dwell on the past. because it's better than the present. but. what about the future? that's where my mind should be. on what the future holds. but that's the hard part. not knowing what the future holds. so it's easier to look backwards. how things were. what things could be like if maybe, just maybe, you had been good enough to be a part of that future.

These are foolish thoughts, I know. I don't want the past. but I don't really want the present either. and in this moment. i can't get it out of my head. its moments like this when I wish time would speed up. that I could be in the future. have this part behind me. but then, that's the thing about life. you can't speed it up - or slow it down.

You just have to face it as it comes. That's the only way to make it through alive.

you'll thank me later....i hope

2009-09-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Mr. Husband,

Has anyone ever complained to you about guys? Well, I have some complaints, and I'm only making you aware of them so that you can avoid them when you're, you know, sweeping me off my feet.

Why is it so hard for guys to stay consistent? I mean really. Don't be attentive one minute and then aloof the next. It's extremely frustrating. And it doesn't make the girl feel too great about herself. I know you guys are busy with you video games and man bonding, but we girls are pretty dang busy ourselves - we actually have conversations that last longer than 15 minutes. But somehow, we still find the time to think about you. Still find the time to text and call you. The least you could do is show us the same courtesy. Instead of leaving us hanging. I know you have it in your nature to not want to commit (which is a total over-generalization, i know), but do you have idea what it does to a girl? She thinks she can trust you, rely on you for some happiness in her day, and then you let her down.

Sorry this is so harsh, but I've seen too many deserving girls, myself included, get treated like an afterthought. And I've seen enough.

Please don't do these things to me. I know you're not perfect. And of course you're allowed to make mistakes. But if you could just try your hardest not to, I would greatly appreciate it. Oh and I'll also love you forever, if that's any incentive.

love.

that's my kind of camping

2009-09-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Husband,

can we go camping in our house? or apartment, as i'm sure will actually be the case. and can we make camp food and eat it in our cute little tent - that you'll somehow convince me to buy, even though i'll insist that we're not going to ever go camping (this is a time when i will admit that you were right). and we can roast marshmallows on our stove. and sleep in the tent in our pjs and sleeping bags. it will be so much fun. oh man i can't wait. hurry up and find me so we can have all this fun together.

love.

To you, mr. husband

2009-09-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

I want to write about love. a love so great it defies fear.

but. that kind of love doesn't exist. life isn't perfect, which means that love isn't perfect. but that's the thing about girls and love. we're waiting. holding out. for that love that truly does conquer all. because maybe. just maybe. it's out there. ready to surprise us and prove us wrong.

So, instead of writing about a seemingly impossible love, I want to write about the love that I'm going to have. one day. To the love of a person I'm going to have someday. What I want. What I hope for. So this one's to you, a series dedicated to you, whoever you are, mr. husband...

to know you

2009-09-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

The day I met you, was the day my eyes were open. Open to a new world. A new way of life. Before you. Life was good. But now. Now life is worth living. You've been here all along really. But I haven't formally introduce myself, at least not for a long time. And even then, I felt like I pushed you to the side too soon after. And for that I am sincerely sorry. I wish I could say that now was a time I could "start over" with you. But, I just can't do that yet. I wish I could. Mostly because I know that I should. Who wouldn't want to be close to someone who saves their life every single day? And without any recognition. I've never felt so undeserving yet in so much need. You would think with those two opposing notions, I would feel confused. But I don't. I never feel confused when it comes to you. There aren't even two answers. There's one answer. One. And I know it.

I feel like the girl in the back of the class who knows the answer to the hardest question, and is so excited to give that answer that her hand is flailing about above her. "pick me! pick me!" But she isn't chosen to answer. Because there are so many others in front her with their hands raised. So many others that are more competent, more worthy, to answer such an important question. And so she sits. Depleted. Until she realizes that the teacher has called on not one person, but every person. She's going down the rows, letting everyone have their turn. And then it's my turn. I was so eager to answer before. But now. After everyone else's response. I don't feel that mine matches theirs. So I stay quiet for a bit. Wondering what to do. Do I stand up and shout MY answer? Or do I stay just as I am. Because, frankly, I've grown accustomed to my life in the back of the class. Not having to speak. Only thinking. Is thinking the right answer the same as speaking it?

But. That's the thing. No matter any current comforts, I DO know the right answer. And I do WANT to answer. I could never ever deny that. Maybe it's a desire that has gone unnoticed for too long. But the desire is still there. Ready to burst at the seems. Just waiting, ever ready, to rise to the surface and proclaim:
"I know"

Moving Forward

2009-09-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your life is moving forward?

So often I find life is just, standing still. staying the same. Or, maybe worse, going a million miles a minute - you can't really account for progress if you're in the midst of a tornado.

Recently life has been moving so fast that I can't breathe. I don't know if I'm happy or sad or mad because I don't have time to process those emotions. I just. am. I'm doing whatever it takes just to keep myself afloat. The constant thought in my mind that I'm forgetting something, that some vital part is going to slip through my fingers. Bringing each thing I've so carefully crafted and balanced to come crashing down.

I love being busy. I always forget. And right now especially. I'm doing things I love to do. I'm getting more and more excited for my future. But. It seems that every week is a new adventure, stretching my abilities to maintain some semblance of a life worth living.

Moving forward implies so many things. But for now. This is all I can grasp.

vulnerable

2009-09-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Cupid and Psyche by François Gérard

I think there's just something so tender about this painting. Tender and awkard really. I won't explain the whole story. Only the relevant parts. the parts that I like.

Cupid is kissing Psyche - their first kiss. only she can't see him - he's invisible to her. That's why she's not looking at him. It seems so bizarre. To be getting kissed and not being aware of it. I mean, it's a first kiss! I want her to be able to see. To know of this wonderful occasion. Of this tender exchange. I want her to feel the excitement.

But more than all of that. Just look at their poses. At her pose. It's so vulnerable. Just look at the drapery. They would paint drapery like this to heighten, not hide, women's nakedness. And to be naked is to be vulnerable. I mean, girls don't just take their clothes off in front of anyone (well, some girls do, and they're called hookers). And the way her arms are placed across her body. Like she's trying to protect herself. Attempting the impossible really. Because to love - to be loved - is to be vulnerable.

But he's there. To embrace her. To offer a tender kiss of comfort. Of love. He doesn't want to hurt her. Just love her. And the beauty is that all of this is going on, and she can't see it. But in her eyes. Look in her eyes. I feel like she knows on some level. Of what she is recieving. Because to me, she looks scared. Scared and vulnerable. Because she doesn't know what's going to happen. Not just with the kiss, but with everything. About what comes next.

I feel like her pose is every girl's pose. She is every girl. Scared. Vulnerable. In need of protection. Wanting to be loved but worried about getting hurt. I love Cupid's pose. So sure. He's everything she's not. He's confident. Not afraid. There with open arms. He's not every guy. But he's the guy every girl needs. She's scared, but behind that fear is willingness. and hope.

To fall in love is one thing. The rest becomes, well, complicated. But this moment. It's before the complication. It's the beginning.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

2009-08-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

have you recieved a priesthood blessing recently? if not, you probably should. because, in case you forgot, they're

AMAZING

growing up i didn't really ever get blessings, because, well, circumstances just didn't really allow it. but now that i have home teachers and worthy guy friends and even more recently, a step-dad who is able and more than willing, i've realized how much i really love them.

because, to me, there is nothing more peaceful and loving than to get a blessing. i've never walked away from one feeling less than fulfilled. it never fails that something is said that i absolutely needed to hear. and usually it's when i'm getting a blessing for another reason. but Heavenly Father always slips in something else that He knows i need to hear. He's amazing like that.

not enough

2009-08-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

how can you love someone. but not want to be with them? how can you say, "I love you". without wanting more?

sometimes love just isn't enough. sometimes you can love someone with all you have, but it doesn't change anything.

of course you could say, maybe the other person doesn't feel the same way. but what about when that isn't the case? what about when you both feel that love? maybe then it's not really love, but some mixture of comfort and lust and obsession.

but even so. how can you feel that way and not take action? how can you feel so close to someone. yet so far away. maybe it's fear. fear of the absolute. because in the end, love is absolute. loving someone isn't something we choose to do. it creeps its way into our souls. and taking responsibility for that love is taking a leap into the unknown.

so, sometimes it's easier to run. refuse to believe your heart. hide. and run. but why run from the possibility of love? of happiness? why not be with the one you love?

and why say the words if you don't mean it? if you don't want more?

maybe it's knowledge. that it just wouldn't work. it would be harmful to want more. because sometimes love just isn't enough. but you say it anyway.

"i love you"

because you want it to be enough.

Muddled

2009-08-19T11:32:00.001-07:00

Have you ever done something that you knew you would regret? That you knew could change everything? Ruin what you want, what you know is good for you. But for some reason your mind checks out and you find yourself in the exact position you were trying to avoid.

I feel nauseous and I can't think straight. Everything is muddled. I'm scared. For my life. For my heart. For my sanity.

I'm scared that I'm becoming a person I don't know. That I'm going to make choices that I shouldn't make. That I want to make, but shouldn't. I'm being selfish. So very selfish. I always care so much about other people, how my decisions will effect them. Anything to avoid hurting them. Just make everyone happy. But I've faltered. I made the choice to forget about everyone else. Is this what it feels like to rebel? To do something without considering the consequences?

I'm sorry. I'm so so so very sorry. For letting you down. You don't even know that I've betrayed you. Betrayed your trust. Betrayed your idea of who I am. I told you I was strong. Stronger because of you. And I am. But I forgot. I forgot how weak I really am.

So weak it scares me.

Letting Go

2009-08-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

I think I'm finally starting to let go of him. I think things are more and more starting to click out of place. To "unbutton" if you will. Until I hope someday soon I can remove it all together. The memory of him. The memory that has wrapped itself around a part of my heart like a web, taking it hostage. Whatever it is that has me holding on, its grasp is releasing. I can feel it. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm finally realizing what I really want. What I really want for my future. What love really means. How much time I'm wasting by trying to keep parts of my past in the present.

I'm finding better things to hold onto. A better person that is worth keeping memories with. Maybe he's too far away to be a reality, but he feels so close in my mind. But maybe someday, we can finally be in the same place, and we'll never have to let go. He'll have my whole heart and I'll have his. But for now, I'll just have to keep picking at the web around my heart until it releases completely and I can have it all to myself. Then I can give it all to the one who deserves it, instead of the sliver he holds now, all i could give.

I broke down when he left me. And I let him leave my life. But the place I let him occupy in my heart has lived on, hardening as if it was there to stay. No more. Now I'm breaking down the place he's held in my life, in my heart. Bit by bit the pieces are falling. It hurts, but a good hurt. The hurt of letting go. And because of it, I've found that there truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Little Burst

2009-08-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get little bursts of happiness?

Sometimes there's a reason, like getting good news or talking to someone you like. But sometimes there is no reason.

Just sitting at my desk at work, writing an email, and - jolt - little burst of happiness for some unexplained reason. It's just, happiness. Like, yay for life. Everything's good, even if just for a moment, for it doesn't always last long.

That's why it's a burst.

Missing Connections

2009-07-29T10:32:00.001-07:00

There's a place on craigslist.com where you can post about missing connections. write to random people you saw that made you turn your head. Like a guy sees an attractive girl on the subway everyday but has never spoken to her. So he writes on this site, expressing his interest. Some of it is pretty funny. Some of it is really sweet. But it got me thinking. And here's what I would write.

Dear missing connection,

I wish I could make you happy. I wish you could see what things could be like if we were together. It would be amazing. We could do great things. You don't see that, though, do you? I can see you're sad. You pretend not to be. You put on a pretty good front actually. You fool a lot of people. But not me. I can see right through that facade. I see the hurt inside. I see the fear. That you might actually find happiness after the misery you've experienced thus far. I see how you trick people into thinking you've let them in. I see how hard you strive to be the person you think you should be. It makes me sad. To see you like this. Because I see all you can be. In just a glance. It's almost funny to me that no one else can see it, not even you. But I can. I wish you could. I wish you could see all you can be. I wish you could want what I want for you. I wish I could tell you everything I'm thinking and all I think of you. I have so much to tell you. But I can't. I think, if only I could tell you. Everything would change. You would let me in. You would find that happiness you are searching for. And I could be there with you to discover it. To watch you find what you're looking for. But. That's the thing about my thoughts. They're not real.

But if, someday, you decide you would like to hear what I have to say. To finally be vulnerable enough to see what I see. To stop being so scared to let me in. Find me. Come find me. I'll be the one in the back. The one you've ignored all this time.

Sometimes You Leave

2009-07-29T10:18:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I get so caught up in one thing. Be it a person, a goal, or even a moment in my life. I forget that I don't have to stay caught up in it. I can leave. I can put aside everything going on in my mind about the subject, and focus on something else. Something that gives me more hope and happiness. Sometimes I can't change things. Sometimes I get caught up in my future - about what will happen and when - and I can't change that. I can make decisions that lead me in certain directions, but I can't change the future. I have to wait until it happens.

And I certainly can't change people. That's a tough one. Because sometimes - well, a lot of times - I wish I could change people. Change what they're doing, what they want. But that just isn't possible. Influence is definitely possible, but not a guarantee.

I get so frustrated sometimes when things don't happen how I want. But. I know that I can leave. And sometimes that is the only thing I can do. Leave the dreariness and focus on the happiness. Walk away from that person. that thought. that dream. There are better things out there for me, and I want to find them.

can't let go

2009-07-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone that you just couldn't let go of? No matter how hard you try, they still inherit some part of you.

I've tried so hard to let someone go. Well, I'll be honest. I haven't tried my hardest. I haven't done everything I could do. But that's because deep down I don't want to let him go. I know it's probably not healthy to hold on to someone who no longer cares to be in your life. But is it really that bad if I'm okay with that fact? I just like the memory of them lingering in my mind. Ok, it is that bad, maybe worse. Because that memory - all the memories - are holding me back. Holding me back from letting someone else in. This song, Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg, is exactly how I feel about it. "without lifting a finger you're holding me back" I just can't fully move on yet. I'm not stuck in the past, I'm not still hung up on him. I've moved on. I want other things, other people, in my life. And I've succeeded in that, and it makes me happy. But, there are certain things I just don't want to let go of yet. And I don't know when I'll be able to - maybe never. Maybe something needs to happen for me to fully sweep it from my mind.

I know the reality. I'm not living every day thinking about him; it's getting more and more rare that I do. I don't know why I want to keep him around. I like the memories. Well, the good ones. And it's not that I wish I was still with him. And if I ever do think that, reality thankfully creeps in and I remember all the reasons I shouldn't want such things. I guess it's the hopeless romantic still hovering around inside me. Wanting to believe in something I know isn't good for me, but still hoping that things could be different.

I know it doesn't make any sense. Not me, and certainly not to anyone else. To them, he is dirt; lower than that probably. But to me.....to me, he was everything. I would have done anything for him. And I still would. It makes me mad sometimes, the devotion I still hold for someone who has hurt me so badly so many times.

That doesn't really answer why letting go seems so impossible. It's weird how a single song can spawn so many thoughts.

I've decided to put music on here, so that if you're reading and would like to actually listen to what I'm talking about, you can.